deadly_cuntcakes

Most my sexual history has been extremely violent, & started exceptionally young (tho there were a few pleasureable times then).. By choice i haven't had sex in over 4yrs...the last violent act left me with limitations physically & i can no longer move about as i use to...I have tried several times to get myself off, & either my body gives out or my head kills it for me... yet I cant stop thinking about getting fucked...hard. My body doesnt know how to respond to anything else... Just the thought gets me worked up...having someone tell me things is enough to make me cross my legs & scream silently...Largely because it doesnt take much for me to lose the feeling & have a total brake down...When I'm drunk or stone, or better, both, its way easier, but still hard to do...i havent cum since the incident 4yrs ago...i didnt want to, but my body betrayed me,as it has many times... The very acts that cause the same mental anguish, cause my pussy to get soaked...lovely huh? I have no idea what to do & i'm not here to jump at the first offer i get. Just would be nice to find someone who understands....& knows what to do, because i dont =/
I wanna get drunk & cum, but fail everytime i try. It's not the liquors fault either. I can't focus, I get so close the lose it & I feel worse then when I did before i started. My head is too loud. The flashbacks are too vivid...i shouldn't even want anything to do with sex...it's hard to think about. Even typing this is giving my head grief... I want to ask for help, but even that causes issues for me. It's hard for most to understand & it's harder for me to explain. I've tried typing/sexting...i can get so far reading it, but still does nothing...& I can't even type back what I'm doing or what they want...not fair, but I really messes with my head thinking about it...I should prolly just give up....only options I have are men old enough to be my dad, or those speaking broken english- yes, so sexy....ugh. I'm not meaning to be picky...it's just not that easy for me to feel comfortable or relax around most people. =( I am not looking for play, or cyber, or phone ...& I don't even know if I can handle contact...but I want to....I think..