On a brutally hot day I walked past a miniature golf course and saw a dad following three small children from hole to hole. “Who’s winning?” I shouted. “I am,” said one kid. “Me,” said another. “No, me,” yelled the third. Sweat dripping down his face, the dad gasped, “Their mother is.”
A couple were watching a program on psychology one night when the topic of conflicting feelings came up. The husband told the wife there was no such thing as feeling good about something and at the same time feel bad about it. The wife thought about it for a minute and strongly disagreed. He called her bluff and said "prove it". She said "You have the biggest dick out of all of your friends". Ls x
A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily in Melbourne. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs. Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts. On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store................... What were you thinking? Her husband speaks English! Now get back to whatever you were doing. I don't know about you sometimes... Ls x
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar: Cheeseburger, $2.50; Chicken Sandwich, $3.50; Hand job, $10. Checking his wallet for cash, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to a group of men. “Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile. “May I help you?” “I was wondering,” whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the handjobs?” “Yes,” she purrs, “I am.” The man replies, “Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”
Sooo many giggles!!! This will absolutely help make the dreaded Monday morning more bearable!! *continues laughing and falls over*
Just had the following conversation with my mum Me: I’m going out! Mum: You’re not leaving until you’ve changed that mini-skirt!! Me: Why? Mum: Because I can see your balls Richard.
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts: He tells her. "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your breasts and say. "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies." She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in the middle of the bus she says. "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her. "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do. How did you know?" He said. "Hickory dickory dock!"
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her ass. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring all your implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.We'll go hot and heavy all night Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?" She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. ---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........ She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." ''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?" ...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking." ....I love these touching stories !!!
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately." Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. “And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." follow me for more great posts daily!
