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I swear some days I have my life completely figured out, and other days I’m impressed I remembered to charge my phone.

I’m constipated and uncomfy. Yep. That’s it. That’s the post.

My card got declined and then worked perfectly fine when I tried it again. Don’t embarrass me like that.

If my lettuce is white I’m not eating it. If I want crunchy water I’ll eat ice.

2

People who borrow something and put it back somewhere completely different. Now I have to go on a scavenger hunt in my own house.

I swear flies know when you pull out the swatter. They’re right there until you’re actually ready to do something about it.

Might be time to admit that my usual company of late night snacks and shitty tv isn’t cutting it anymore.

I was told to trust the process. Nobody mentioned the process would be this annoying.

I’m very easy to impress. Remember something I said three weeks ago and I’ll probably like you forever🤷‍♂️

Hasn’t rained here in forever, but of course the day I wash my car the universe decides yeah it’s the perfect day🙄

Yikes

Groove

Loud chewing. I didn’t order the surround-sound version of your lunch.

Me: I’m going to bed early tonight. My brain at 2:16 a.m.: Anyway, here’s a completely unnecessary thought…

Apparently it’s National Red Wine Day. I could drink alone, but where’s the fun in that?