This is a sequel to a thread I wrote about my first love (https://www.freechatnow.com/forum/threads/first-love.18381/) Mary sat behind me in one of my classes during the second semester of my sophomore year in high school; she was a very pretty brunette, with a sweet personality to match. As winter turned into spring, and as my hoped for relationship with Julie went nowhere, my interest in the angel who sat behind me in class grew. While she may not have led me to say "Julie who?" she did give me reason to think that there could be someone other than Julie in my life. But this time I was going to do it right, whatever that meant. Having felt a little burned by Julie, I certainly wanted to be more careful with Mary. I was going to try and build a good, solid friendship before I asked this sweet angel out on a date. Julie and I had danced together at occasional stake dances, and seeing her everyday in the first few months of my sophomore year was exhilarating, but I don't know that we were really friends before I asked her to the prom. With Mary, I decided, it would be different. To build that friendship with Mary I concluded that I would need to take the initiative. When the new school year started the next fall, I would be the first to say "hello" when I saw her in the halls. Of course, if I was going to do that with Mary, I might as well do it with all of the friends I had made during my sophomore year. During the first few weeks of my junior year, I was the first to smile and say "hi" when I saw my friends. A lot had happened over the summer break, and I wanted to make sure that they had not forgotten about me. And then a remarkable thing happened, by being more outgoing, I attracted new friends who reached out to me, which gave me more people to say "hi" to first. Meanwhile, each time I saw Mary in the halls, I gave her a smile and said "hello." Each time, she responded with a smile that could melt my heart. By late December I thought I was ready to ask her out, so I decided to ask her to . . . the Junior Prom. I also wanted to make sure that I was the first boy to ask her to the dance, so I asked her during the Christmas break, or, in others words, way too early. As a result I would have to wait a long time for her answer.
Part II This is the one where I win an award for overthinking. I was worried that someone else would ask Mary to the Junior Prom, so I gave her my invitation the Saturday before Christmas. The dance was five weeks out, but I hoped she would get back to me when school started again in January. In the meantime, I tried to enjoy the holiday break. I went to a dance on New Year's Eve, but I did not seem to know many of the kids there. I ended up having a lonely evening. I never really liked New Year's Eve, which I usually spent alone, thinking about the lonely year that was ending, and anticipating the lonely year about to begin. This New Year's Eve should have been different, after all, in a matter of days school would start and I would be with my friends again. But there was the rub, while things had changed dramatically at school, they had not changed much elsewhere. As I stood there alone at this dance, I was suddenly flooded with thoughts and emotions regarding Julie. But why should I be thinking of Julie when I had asked Mary to the prom? It made no sense, but the gates were open and there was no stopping the torrent of thoughts and emotions. Do I love Julie or not? Should I try to make her mine? What about Mary? Will I still like Julie after the prom? What should I do? If I acted on my feelings for Julie I could hurt Mary. Somehow, I did not think Mary would appreciate it if the boy who had just asked her to a dance suddenly asked another girl to go steady. At the same time, I doubted that Julie would even care if Mary became more than a friend. Not that I was expecting anything more than friendship from Mary. Sure, I had hopes, but I think we had become good enough friends that I would have been okay if that is all we ever were. Julie, on the other hand, would more likely be hurt if I did ask her to be my girlfriend. In hindsight, it seems clear that she did not want me to be her boyfriend. I think I even knew this at some level, which may have made me want her all the more. It seems that we want what we cannot have. Additionally, letting go can be a difficult thing to do. Some of the worst things that happen to us are the things we do to ourselves; the thoughts we entertain, the grudges we carry, etc. Even things that are painful can be hard to let go of, then how much harder must it be to let go of the dream of a relationship, or to walk away from someone who in the past gave you joy. For a few days I was running around in circles in my head. First, I told myself that I loved Julie, then I said I only thought that I loved her, then I would say that I did not love her, but that I had to be her friend, which was followed quickly with the thought that I was totally, completely in love with Julie. I felt like I was losing touch with reality. Naturally, I reached out for a lifeline, a sweet angel named Mary. The smart play would be to wait until after the prom. A good date with Mary might just change the equation, even if we just continued on as friends. In any case, this crisis was mostly in my head. Julie had done nothing of late to encourage the thoughts and feelings I was having. I had been at a dance, by myself during the holiday break; I was lonely . . . and vulnerable. Somehow I managed to calm myself down enough to wait, to put everything on hold. Julie wasn't going anywhere; if, despite all, there was still something there, it would wait until after the prom. If there was nothing there, then nothing would be lost. And Mary may yet give me reason to forget Julie entirely. I did not occur to me that there might a risk to making Mary my lifeline. I did worry that she might not say yes, or that she might not answer at all, especially as the days dragged by without an answer. I would be blindsided by what actually happened.
Part III January of my junior year was a crazy time for me. I had asked a girl to the junior prom, and was sweating out her reply, while at the same time experiencing strong emotions regarding the girl I had taken to the prom the year before -- the girl I thought was my first love, and the girl I had found it very difficult to forget about when that love was unrequited. Despite my feelings for the first girl, I decided that the best thing I could do was to wait until after I had taken the second girl to the dance. A few days after we returned to school from the holiday break, I had a chat with Mary, the girl I had asked to the dance a few weeks earlier. She did not say anything about the dance, but it seemed clear that she had received my note and that she viewed the invitation favorably. I hoped that she would give me her answer soon. All told, I would wait three weeks for Mary's answer, yet it somehow seemed longer. Then, on a Monday, I spoke with a mutual friend who suggested that I might finally be getting an answer about the prom. Later that day, after school, Mary called to say that she would love to go with me to the junior prom. What joy filled my heart, she had answered at last, and she had said yes! I had a photography assignment due on Wednesday, which was to be an outdoor portrait. With a view to killing two birds with one stone, I called Mary to ask if she would help me with the assignment; I thought we could also discuss plans for the dance, then less than two weeks away. She agreed and I took her to a park where I got some excellent photographs. Mary proved to be an excellent model, a real angel with a pretty face and a sweet smile. I can still see her, sitting in a swing, her head tilted to the side, and that incredible smile lighting up her face. After dropping her off I was on cloud nine, so much so that I ran the stop sign a block from her house. I did not want that feeling to end, so I went for a drive, trying to make it last. The embers were still burning a few hours later when, at a quarter to 10 o'clock, Mary called again. She said that she would have to cancel our date. Since she just wanted to be friends, she did not think it would be fair to me to spend a lot of money on the dance . . . on her. It was such a shock that I could only say that I understood. But I did not understand. While I think that I had accepted the possibility of our not being more than friends, I am sure I still had some hope. Had I been so obvious? Had my efforts to keep cool actually betrayed my feelings? I was devastated. Just hours before I had been on cloud nine, but now was in the depths of despair. How could this have happened? The next day at school was one of those long days. It did not help to develop the pictures I had taken the day before, and to select the two best of that sweet angel. And then I saw her in the halls. Instead of saying "hi" and having her smile melt my heart, I felt a twinge in my stomach, and a stab to the heart, a scene that would repeat a few times throughout the rest of the week and into the next. Over the weekend I entertained thoughts of talking to Mary, to ask her why, and maybe to try to persuade her to change her mind. In the end, I did not talk to her. I chose to respect her decision. Also, it still hurt a little when I saw her at school. Over time, it would hurt a little less. The junior prom of my junior year came and went, but my feelings for Julie remained.
Part IV When I asked Mary to the junior prom, I did not know whether we would like each other enough to be more than just friends, but hope springs eternal, and I certainly entertained the idea after meeting her the previous year. Even so, I was not expecting more than friendship when I asked her to the prom. How could I have any right to expect anything? I began to wonder if I had a right to any expectations of anybody, whether they were girls I might be attracted to, or just my friends. Sometimes, it seems, I did expect too much, but at other times I doubted that I could expect anything at all. What can anyone reasonably expect from other people? Kindness, respect, love? Certainly if one treats others with kindness and respect they might feel that they should get some in return. But it is clear that no one can expect people to act the way they want them to. I could not expect Julie or Mary to like me the way I liked them; they either would or they would not. In that sense, at least, my feelings for them were not relevant. I was struck recently at the contrast in my reaction to the rejection I received from both Julie and Mary. I found it very difficult to forget about Julie and move on, whereas, though my heart was broken, I did not find it particularly difficult to accept Mary's decision. I seemed to be exhibiting a little bit of maturity with one that I seemingly could not with the other. Maybe it was because I had been able to build a good friendship with Mary, or maybe it was because I knew where I stood with her but felt that I had no clue where I stood with Julie. I still didn't know what I was going to do about my feelings for Julie, so one day I talked to a friend about it. She suggested that I talk to Julie and tell her how I felt about her, but also tell her that I was accepting that we were not likely to be more than friends. I followed this advice and it went rather well; Julie appeared to respond favorably to our being friends. After that I still needed to settle things with Mary. In April I called her up and asked if we could talk, and we decided to meet in a public place. I asked her why she had canceled on the dance and she said that she didn’t like having her picture taken. Apparently my asking her to pose for me led her to think I wanted more than just friendship. She also said that her father was out of work and that she didn’t have enough money to buy a new dress for the dance. I said I didn’t care about that kind of thing and that I would have been happy enough if she had worn a particular dress she had worn to school once or twice. Let's face it, I would not have bought a new suit, or even a new tie for the dance, so why should she have had to buy a new formal, and expensive dress? We talked about some other things and she told me about how disappointed she was the year before because she could not try out for a choral group because she had injured her leg. All in all it was a great discussion from which we both learned a lot, and we became better friends as a result.
