My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again. It's all fun and games until someone loses an i.
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My biggest fear is being trapped in a small room with Santa. I have Claustrophobia
I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket
Most women likes it when a guy blows air on them when she's hot, but honestly... I'm not a fan.
Please spread the word. Sure, no problem! W o r d.
I just recently watched a documentary on how pickles are made. It was a jarring experience.
Autocorrect changed Morning Run to Morning Rum. Change Of Plans, Guys!
Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium. Patient: 0mg!
Recently, I've tried to make a car without wheels. I've been working on it tirelessly.
What did the banana say to the vibrator? What are you shaking for? She's going to eat me!
Every day I spend a few hours on a treadmill. Next week I might even turn it on.
A new poll suggests that most people will likely finish reading any sentence that starts with "A new poll suggests."
A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"
What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey? Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!
What did the cannibal do after she dumped her boyfriend? Wiped her ass.
If he doesn't appreciate your fruit jokes you let that mango.
I'm never wrong! One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken!
I've just written a song about tortillas - actually, it's more of a rap.
For sale: Watch with half a face. For a limited time only.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible." "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
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