It was only when I bought a motorbike that I found out that adrenaline is brown
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You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.
Why don't the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.
I told my boss I had to go home because I have a seeing problem. I couldn’t see myself finishing work today.
Shoutout to my fingers, they are the only ones I can count on. *Honorable mention goes to my toes.
I told the lady at the store that she drew her eyebrows too high.. she looked surprised.
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
A new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days. It will be a sadder day.
My friend keeps saying, “Cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
I said to my friend , “I need to call the doctor today.” “Which doctor?” They asked. I said “No, the regular kind.”
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, “Remember these two words. They’ll open a lot of doors for you in life.” “Push and pull.”
I tried to have a conversation with a friend when she was applying a mud pack. You should have seen the dirty look she gave me.
I just saw someone at the laundromat trip and fall while carrying a basket full of ironed clothes. I was there to watch it all unfold.
My friend bought me a telekinetic abacus for my birthday. It wasn’t my favorite present, but it’s the thought that counts.
If a mother gives birth on the stairs, would that be her step child?
There is so much shit coming out of some people’s mouth, I think their ass might be getting jealous
I met a beautiful woman in the art museum in Paris. I think I’m in Louvre.
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