If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you'd have a small medium at large
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I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
T-shirt is actually short for tyrannosaurus shirt. It's because of the small arms.
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.
How come “ You are the shit” Is a compliment, but “You ain’t shit” is an insult?
People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now
My friend said that his girlfriend is always stealing his t-shirts, But if he takes one of her dresses, suddenly “they need to talk”.
Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
I wanted to be a good doctor, but then I ran out of patience.
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind
gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
The book on chronology I ordered has finally arrived. It's about time...
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
After all these years, I’ve learned how to keep things fresh in the bedroom.. Febreeze
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer. I said, okay this isn’t working out.
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