What do you call a dictionary on drugs? HIGH-Definition.
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Writing with a broken pencil is pointless
My parents won't say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five.
I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..
There was a police speed trap yesterday. The officer said "I've been waiting all day for you " I said. I got here as fast as I could
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M's because let's be honest here.
I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup. It was Won Ton.
Nurse: "We need a stool sample and a urine sample." Man to wife: "What did she say?" Wife to husband: "They want your underwear.
Can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's an escape. I don't even have a home anymore.Time for a new keyboard.
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
My friend had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
I'm not sure if I lost my camo pants or if they're just doing a really good job.
This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.
I got gas for $1.39 today. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe you idiot!
Don’t fall in love with an astronaut, he will just want his space, or a personal trainer, it wouldn’t work out.
Before it was carved, Mt Rushmore’s beauty was unpresidented.
I was asked what I did for a living, I said hunt and kill aliens, they said aliens don’t exist, have you seen any? No? Then you’re welcome.
If a mother gives birth on the stairs, would that be considered a step child?
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