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Zooey!

Yeah, I'd fuck him AND give him acting lessons... ***** Sam Elliott

I hate it when Walmart is out of something I need so I'm forced to drive back home, brush my hair, put on a shirt that fits, put on my shoes, and drive to Target.

Please tell me you have snacks...

(my first day as a waitress) ME: And how would you like your steak, sir? GUY DINING: Very well done. ME: Thank you so much for the compliment! To be honest, it's my very first day and I was so worried about saying the wrong thing, because that's usually what I do... GUY: Wha...? No, I'm...

Crack pipe

Literally the only thing I'm better at than anybody else is eating watermelon really fast and spitting the seeds out like a machine gun.

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone's calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest fear? ME: That would definitely be my fear of follow-up questions. INT: Could you elaborate on that? ME: *screams and jumps out the window*

"For a really awkward time, call me." -me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

If he had part of a burrito in his moustache then yes, I'm sure I would.

I used to always get a headache when I got out of bed in the mornings until I started doing it feet first.