Sex Ex-vangelical guilt

[canadianSubbyBoy]

Former evangelical here. I was raised to think sex before marriage was gonna get me in hell (plus a bunch of other stupid stuff). I don't believe that anymore, but I still deal with weird guilty feelings after sex. My girlfriend is amazing, and we've got a really good relationship together, but whenever I leave her place to go back home I can't help feeling like the sex we had feels wrong. In the moment it's so good and she's a fantastic partner, but the shame comes back sometimes. I've talked to her and she says that it's OK, and it'll get better the longer we're together, but...

Anyone else dealt with "leftover" guilt?

 

[Explorer1]

I think many people do. But of course you can help yourself by reminding yourself of the reasons why you don't believe in evangelical Christianity anymore. Another thing you could do is do a Bibles study - I'm mnot sure the Bible (which we both know doesn't speak with a unified voice on *anything*) is generally opposed to healthy sex outside of marriage. The New Testament has a lot of general statements about morality, some, I think, paraphrased from Greek moral philosophers at the time, but they don't try to be normative. Also, for straight people they mainly talk about "sexual immorality". In today's culture, a consensual sexual relationship between two adults who look after each other isn't seen as immoral. Then you can get to the old testament where there were no marriage ceremonies and people were marrying their sisters, having harems of slave concubines and bevvies of wives left right and centre and that very unsavory bit about how you can treat young girls taken as bounty of war. Definitely not a "no sex before marriage to one woman" type ethic.

Fundamentalism often appeals to a nerdy sort of person, or makes one a nerdy sort of person if one grows up in it, so that sort of pedantry might help you. If not you can look into the sociology of religion and particularly NRMs ("cults") and how they usually control people sexually because if you can do that you can control everything. And most of the theories of soteriology used by fundamentalist Christians teach that you're fundamentally broken to your very core - so if they can make you feel your sexuality is dirty, they pretty much have you.

 

[canadianSubbyBoy]

That's actually a really good idea. I do know that the ideas around marriage have changed a bunch with the different societies and times, even in the Bible (multiple wives in Old Testament = OK, multiple wives in New Testament = bad). I'll have see if I can find any books or other things on it. I think you're right about feeling fundamentally broken, that's definitely still in there That might just take some time to get rid of. It is getting better though. The guilty feelings aren't as frequent or intense as they used to be.

We are planning to move in together pretty soon, so that's gonna be a whole other layer to break through! Oh boy... don't even get me started about what my folks will think about that!

 

[Explorer1]

That's actually a really good idea. I do know that the ideas around marriage have changed a bunch with the different societies and times, even in the Bible (multiple wives in Old Testament = OK, multiple wives in New Testament = bad). I'll have see if I can find any books or other things on it. I think you're right about feeling fundamentally broken, that's definitely still in there That might just take some time to get rid of. It is getting better though. The guilty feelings aren't as frequent or intense as they used to be.

We are planning to move in together pretty soon, so that's gonna be a whole other layer to break through! Oh boy... don't even get me started about what my folks will think about that!

well good luck with that, man

 

[Explorer1]

That's actually a really good idea. I do know that the ideas around marriage have changed a bunch with the different societies and times, even in the Bible (multiple wives in Old Testament = OK, multiple wives in New Testament = bad). I'll have see if I can find any books or other things on it. I think you're right about feeling fundamentally broken, that's definitely still in there That might just take some time to get rid of. It is getting better though. The guilty feelings aren't as frequent or intense as they used to be.

We are planning to move in together pretty soon, so that's gonna be a whole other layer to break through! Oh boy... don't even get me started about what my folks will think about that!

Good on you. Good luck with the move in

 

[canadianSubbyBoy]

Update: we moved in, and it's going really well

My parents know about it, and they're disappointed, but they still talk to me and her. Telling them about it was really hard, and they were mad at first, but they're getting better about it!

 

[Explorer1]

Update: we moved in, and it's going really well

My parents know about it, and they're disappointed, but they still talk to me and her. Telling them about it was really hard, and they were mad at first, but they're getting better about it!

Good for you! That's great