Jokes

Calazviel said:
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OMG I'm laughing a little too hard
 
“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.
 
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.

“Gold of course”, says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”
 
An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.

The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hits a fantastic shot that lands on the green thirty feet from the hole. As the American businessman knows a small amount of French he says: “Tir fantastique”, which means “Fantastic shot”. The French businessman replies: “Merci”.

The third guest, who is from Japan, tees off and amazingly the ball goes straight in the hole, a hole in one! The American businessman doesn’t know many Japanese words or phrases but when he dated a Japanese girl during his overseas business trips she used to moan when he made love to her and she would shout out “Ura-ana, ura-ana”, and which he repeats to his Japanese guest. The Japanese businessman replies: “What do you mean, wrong hole?”
 
Calazviel said:
An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.

The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hits a fantastic shot that lands on the green thirty feet from the hole. As the American businessman knows a small amount of French he says: “Tir fantastique”, which means “Fantastic shot”. The French businessman replies: “Merci”.

The third guest, who is from Japan, tees off and amazingly the ball goes straight in the hole, a hole in one! The American businessman doesn’t know many Japanese words or phrases but when he dated a Japanese girl during his overseas business trips she used to moan when he made love to her and she would shout out “Ura-ana, ura-ana”, and which he repeats to his Japanese guest. The Japanese businessman replies: “What do you mean, wrong hole?”
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I laughed way too hard at this one!
 
A Rabbi and a Priest are walking past a school as parents drop off their children and the Priest leans toward the Rabbi, motioning toward the school, and says, "Let's go fuck a few of them." And the Rabbi says,"Outta what?":confused:;)
 
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Irish man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables.
"We're sorry, Mr. O’ Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O’Flynn asked.
The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O’ Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O’ Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. O’ Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied,
"We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
 
My last attempt at confessing my sins:
Forgive me Father for I have sinned.
(Ray is that you again)
Yes Father, my last confession was yesterday
(Is this about the banana, hair dryer and blow up doll again)
Yes Father
(You already did your penance for that)
Yes Father, but the banana got stuck and I tried to get it lose with the hair dryer and she BLEW UP! Im here to confess murder.
(You sick sumbitch, I cant help you anymore).
 
LastOne said:
My last attempt at confessing my sins:
Forgive me Father for I have sinned.
(Ray is that you again)
Yes Father, my last confession was yesterday
(Is this about the banana, hair dryer and blow up doll again)
Yes Father
(You already did your penance for that)
Yes Father, but the banana got stuck and I tried to get it lose with the hair dryer and she BLEW UP! Im here to confess murder.
(You sick sumbitch, I cant help you anymore).
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PMSL!
 
[song time at centipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes.....
 
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