Jokes

A GUY FRIEND OF MINE WAS MAKING FUN OF WOMEN'S MOODS WHEN THEY HAVE PMS... I SAID TO HIM, WELL YOU KNOW MEN HAVE PMS TOO... HE SAID OH, WHAT KIND OF PMS?... I SAID THIS KIND... "PMS" = PURE MINDLESS STUPIDITY, AND IT LASTS ALL MONTH!... :eek::p:rolleyes::cool:

 
MY DAD: You keep asking for money every month, so I am going to help you learn how to budget better. Text me your budget as you have it now.

ME (texting):
Rent: $800
Bills: $300
Groceries: $300
Gas: $100
Snacks: $2,750

DAD: Wha.... Jesus Kacey, you don't even make close to that in a month.

ME: So I need to find a cheaper place to live then...
 
An elderly couple returned to a Car dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful blonde lady wearing a mini skirt & a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset & said, "Young man you said you would hold that car till we raised the £65,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for £52,000 to the lovely young lady there & you said there was no way you could discount this model."

The salesman took a deep breath cleared his throat & said "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing & Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple & gave the car keys to the old man. "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price, Happy Birthday Dad."
 
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
 
(at a spelling bee)

PRONOUNCER: Your word is "aftermath."

ME: Can I use that in a sentence?

P: What? No, you have to ask ME to use it in a sen.....

ME: "I really need a stiff drink aftermath, because fuck math."
 
Husband and wife married for 15 years were laying in bed one night.
The husband was rubbing his wife's butt and suddenly stopped.
Wife: Why did you stop?
Husband: I think your ass is wider than our grill.
Wife: What?! Why would you say that?
Husband: You know what, I'm right. It is wider than our grill.
Wife: (upset) That was just mean and hurtful. You didn't have to say that.
Husband: Oh I'm sorry hunny I didn't mean to hurt you. Here let me make it up to you.(starts kissing her on the neck)
Wife: What do you think your doing?
Husband: Well I thought that it would make you feel better if we made love.
Wife: (turns and looks at husband) Why should I fire up this big ass grill for one little wiener?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top