Jokes

Two dwarfs on a night out in Blackpool and they pull two amazingly sexy women.
They go back to their hotel rooms which are next to each other.
One dwarf walks in and climbs on the bed and his lady starts a strip tease.
15 minutes later and all he can hear is his mate next door, "Going 1-2-3 hup 1-2-3 hup."
He dismisses it and concentrates on his women who is now crawling towards him.
She starts to do some very sexy things to him, but all he can hear is "1-2-3 hup, 1-2-3 hup" and he is getting angry and this is not helping his performance!
Another hour later and still no erection despite everything she's doing, all he can hear is "1-2-3 hup 1-2-3 hup."
"Sod this I'm going to sleep."
He wakes in the morning and goes down for breakfast and is joined by his mate.
In high spirits he says "How was your night pal" and replied "It was horrid I couldn't get a hardon."
And his mate replys, "You couldn't get a hard on? I couldn't even get on the bed!"
 
Our local Cineworld was broken into this week, and thieves stole over £1000 of stock.
The thieves took 10 large bags of popcorn, 20 packs of Skittles and 10 bottles of drink
 
A farmer busts threw his bedroom door with a duck under his arm and looks at his wife laying in the bed reading a book.

Farmer: This is the pig I've been fucking while you have a headache

Wife: Honey that's not a pig......that's a duck

Farmer: i wasn't talking to you
 
I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky."
I said "My name's Louis, but people call me Dick."
She said "how do you get Dick from Louis?"
I replied "you just ask nicely."
Now have to find a new job.
 
Kris1973 said:
I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky."
I said "My name's Louis, but people call me Dick."
She said "how do you get Dick from Louis?"
I replied "you just ask nicely."
Now have to find a new job.
Click to expand...
Lmao
Kris1973 said:
I once dated a girl with a twin.
People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill coloured her nails purple and bob had a cock...
Click to expand...
you stupid jokes are making me smile. Thank you.
 
ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?
Hank is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one Hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, and says very slowly,"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen to me very, very closely:

"Are – my – test – results - back....!"
 
Teacher with a class of 8yr olds teaching weather..
The teacher asks the class "does anybody know what the thing on top of a barn is called that shows the way the wind is blowing"
The teacher looks around and only dirty Johnny is waving his hand like mad.
"Yes Johnny" she says.
"That's a weather cock miss"
Shocked she says "well done Johnny and do you know why it's called that"
To which Johnny replies "yes miss because If it was a weather cunt the wind would blow right through it"
 
A man walks into a bar...

The bartender greets him and says, "for 5 bucks, I'll show you something amazing."

The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.

The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.

"Wow he's amazing. Where did you get him!?!"

He bartender replied, "there is a genie on the corner, he'll grant you one wish."

The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, "I want a million bucks!"

All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky.

The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, "what's wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!"

The bartender shakes his head and says, "He's hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
 
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