Jokes

Get Liquored Up

Two guys where walking down the street when they saw two dogs humping.

One said, "I wonder how much liquor it would take to get my wife to do it that way."

So they made a bet of 10 bucks on whose wife would do the deed with the least amount of liquor.

~⭐After a week they met in a bar ⭐~

"Well", said the first guy "How much liquor did it take?"

"A pint of whiskey", replied the other guy.

The first guy said "You win, It took me a whole bottle just to get her out in the yard."
 
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Three Daughters

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married."

So the 3 daughters all got married and each daughter then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it." The parents couldn't afford it either so they decided that they would have their honeymoon at their parents house.

On the honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she just ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and decided to just ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table, the mother said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Well mother you told me to scream when something hurt."

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" The daughter replied "Mother you always told me to laugh when something tickled, so I laughed."

Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" The third daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full."
 
A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now completely nude, she purred at him,

"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."
 
I experienced the WORST customer service today at a store in town. I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Yesterday morning I bought something from this store. I paid cash! I took it home and checked it this morning and found it didn't work. I took it back to the store first thing this morning and asked if I could get a refund. The girl at the counter told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement. Again the girl told me "NO." I asked to talk to a manager because I was really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item expecting it to work, but it didn't. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK!" No refund! No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrr. . I'll tell you what...I am NEVER buying another Lottery Ticket from them again!
 
A couple had been happily married for years. The husband had a habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke and the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out.

One Thanksgiving day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner while he was upstairs sound asleep. She looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in.
 
Freddy69foryou said:
A couple had been happily married for years. The husband had a habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke and the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out.

One Thanksgiving day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner while he was upstairs sound asleep. She looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in.
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PMSL!!!!!
 
Me standing naked in the doctor’s office and the door opens:

DOCTOR: Uh Lakeside, it says here I'm just seeing you for a sore throat.
ME: You are, but I watch porn and I know how these things go down, amiright?!
D: No, I'm literally just going to look at your throat.
M:
D:
M: So you aren't going to insert the tongue depressor in me and spank my butt, because I was kind of hop...
D: NO!! Please get dressed.
M: Do you even watch porn? It's like you don't even know how this is supposed to work.
D:
M: I want a second opinion.

Ls x
 
Little Johnny Came Down For Breakfast One Morning And Asked His Granny.
Little Johnny: “Where’s Mammy And Daddy?”
Granny Replied: “They’re Up In Bed”
So The Little Johnny Started To Giggle And Ate His Breakfast And Went Out To Play.
Then He Came Back In For Lunch And Asked His Granny.
Little Johnny: “Where’s Mammy And Daddy?”
Granny Replied: “They’re Still Up In Bed”
And The Little Johnny Started To Giggle And He Ate His Lunch And Went Out To Play.
Then The Little Johnny Came In For Dinner And Once Again He Asked His Granny.
Little Johnny: “Where’s Mammy And Daddy?”
Granny Replied: “They’re Still Up In Bed”
And The Little Johnny Started To Laugh And His Granny Asked.
Granny: “What Gives? Every Time I Tell You They’re Still Up In Bed You Start To Laugh! What Is Going On Here? ”
The Little Johnny Replied: “Well Last Night Daddy Came Into My Bedroom And Asked Me For The Vaseline And I Gave Him Super Glue Instead“
:D:D:D
 
CrystalMarker said:
Little Johnny Came Down For Breakfast One Morning And Asked His Granny.
Little Johnny: “Where’s Mammy And Daddy?”
Granny Replied: “They’re Up In Bed”
So The Little Johnny Started To Giggle And Ate His Breakfast And Went Out To Play.
Then He Came Back In For Lunch And Asked His Granny.
Little Johnny: “Where’s Mammy And Daddy?”
Granny Replied: “They’re Still Up In Bed”
And The Little Johnny Started To Giggle And He Ate His Lunch And Went Out To Play.
Then The Little Johnny Came In For Dinner And Once Again He Asked His Granny.
Little Johnny: “Where’s Mammy And Daddy?”
Granny Replied: “They’re Still Up In Bed”
And The Little Johnny Started To Laugh And His Granny Asked.
Granny: “What Gives? Every Time I Tell You They’re Still Up In Bed You Start To Laugh! What Is Going On Here? ”
The Little Johnny Replied: “Well Last Night Daddy Came Into My Bedroom And Asked Me For The Vaseline And I Gave Him Super Glue Instead“
:D:D:D
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Talk about giving stuck together for life a whole new meaning! LMFAO!
 
Q: If laughter's the best medicine why aren't clowns doctors!?!

A: We would all be going to the "funny farm" for each visit and so they wouldn't have any "real clowns" to bill anymore and healthcare would be ruined!
 
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_A 70 year old retired Military officer had one hobby - he loved to fish_.

_He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone._

_He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ''Pick me up._ '

_He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog._

_The retired officer said, 'Are you talking to me?'_

_The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!'_

_The retired officer looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket._

_The frog said,_ _'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?'_
I said, 'Kiss me, and _I will be your beautiful bride_.'

_He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,_
_''Nah. I'd rather like to have a talking frog than a nagging wife.._
 
A pirate walks into a bar with the ships steering wheel shoved down the front of his pants...
Barkeep says "Hey pirate, do you know you have your ships steering wheel in your pants?"
to which the pirate replies....
"aye...and it's driving me fucking nuts"
 
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
 
Mary and Ted got married and had 13 children. Then Ted died of heart disease.
She married again and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Again Mary remarried and this time she & John had 5 more children.
Mary finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"
Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel.
 
Lakeside said:
When my boyfriend asked me to name all my sexual partners I'd ever had, I had to think back to when I was 16. I took a couple of minutes to list them off and eventually got to mentioning him. With the benefit of hindsight, that's where I should have stopped.

Ls x
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Omg thats brilliant
 
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
 
Lakeside said:
When my boyfriend asked me to name all my sexual partners I'd ever had, I had to think back to when I was 16. I took a couple of minutes to list them off and eventually got to mentioning him. With the benefit of hindsight, that's where I should have stopped.

Ls x
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Fucking brilliant!
 
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