Jokes

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's Explorer and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'
 
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I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him, If he had attended morgan park high school.
"Yes, I did. I'm a mustang,” he said with pride.
“When did you graduate?” I asked.
He answered, “In 1979. Why do you ask?”
“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, grey-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked…
"What subject did you teach?"
 
Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 43, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby...whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he
asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting,
Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed?
 
There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said. ''Did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said. ''He sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''
 
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, '
I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the
one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing
something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution,
and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me,
but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
Well, said Arthur, professional to
professional, you have
some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God,
'hold on.'God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a
few words and waited for the results.The computer printed out
a slip of paper and God read it. 'Well, it may be true that my
invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these
numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
 
At the end of the tax year, the Internal revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the Internal Revenue agent was checking the books, he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said,
“I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”
“Good question ,” noted the CEO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the CEO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO.
“Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”
“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CEO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Internal Revenue office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”
 
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company El Comandante rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.
They must be saved.
I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the El Comandante shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.
It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides.
It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company El Comandante announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!
 
Not exactly a joke but........

Imagine if 10 years ago you were approached by a time traveler and he was like "look, I don't have much time to explain, all I can tell you is that the year 2020 is going to be an absolute shit show. You know Donald Rudeman the star of the apprentice? Well he's the El Comandante of the United States and at the beginning of 2020 he gets into a Twitter beef with Iran that almost starts world war 3. Australia catches on fire and a woman tries to save it by selling pictures of her tits. Kobe Bryant passes away in a helicopter crash. Half the world is devasted, the other half just makes fucked up memes. A little time passes and just when the world starts recovering from the loss of Kobe some dude in China eats a fucking raw ass bat and starts a global pandemic that specifically kills maw maw's and paw paws. Everyone loses their minds. 40% of the population thinks it's the end of the world another 40% thinks it's all fake and 20% blames the whole thing on cell phone towers and Tom Hanks fucking kids. The one thing everyone seems to agree on is that the only way to survive is by hoarding toilet paper. Grocery stores are ransacked and Charmin ultra soft essentially replaces the dollar as the United States official currency. Eventually as hysteria grows, world governments are forced to shut the entire planet down and lock everyone in their houses and the only person that can keep the people from completely flipping out and starting a huge riot is a gun toting homosexual Oklahoma man with a meth addiction and 180 pet tigers..."
 
A Methodist minister and a Baptist minister lived in the same town. For years they rode their bicycles every Sunday morning on their way to services.

One week, the Methodist minister found Baptist walking along. He stopped and asked, "Did you get hurt? Where's you bike?" The Baptist replied, "I think someone stole it." "Here's what I would do," says the Methodist, " I'd give a sermon on the Ten Commandments. When you get to 'Thou shalt not steal' lay it out super thick, all fire and damnation." The Baptist thought it over and agreed.

The nest week, the two met riding their bikes just like before. The Methodist says, "Ha ! I see the sermon worked !" The Baptist says, "well, not exactly." "What do you mean," asked the Methodist. The Baptist looked him in the eye and says,"Well I was preaching about the Ten Commandments like you said, and it started out great, but when I got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' - I remembered where I left my bike."
 
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting
for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still
couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again,
much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little
smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I
would agree with you, but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
 
Seven wise men made up their minds, to build them a pussy of their design. The 1st was a carpenter, full of wit, with hammer and chisel he made the split. The 2nd a blacksmith black as coal with anvil and sledge he made the hole. The 3rd a tailor long and slim with a piece of red ribbon he lined it within. The 4th a furrier big and stout with the skin of a bear he lined it without. The 5th a fisherman old and bent with a rotten herring he gave it the scent. The 6th a doctor with an m.d. degree he patted it and felt it and said it would pee. The 7th a rabbi a mean little runt he fucked it and blessed it and called it a cunt.
 
A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES. The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE.
 
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