Jokes

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor, Maine man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maine State Troopers.

"We're sorry, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.

"Tell me . . . did you find her?!”, Wilkens asked.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first".

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the Bar Harbor bay".

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Maine Lobsters that you've ever seen and at least 40 good-sized Rockfish clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you're entitled to a share in the catch".

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
 
Heather said:
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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
 
Joe, the old Estate keeper went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked but he knew he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 30 years, and he truly believed he could make a new life.
He saw a shooting clothing store on the way home and thought, “That’s what I need ... a new tweed suit.”
He entered the shop and said, “I’d like a new shooting suit.”
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see ... size 44 long.”
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said. Joe tried on the tweed suit; it fit perfectly.
The salesman asked, “How about a new check shirt?”
Joe was on a roll. “Sure.”
The salesman said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16 ½ neck.”
Joe said, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years.”
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see ... size 36.”
Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”The salesman shook his head, “NO, NO, NO you can’t wear a size 34!!!! a size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
 
Joke:

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

‘You disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children? I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!’

And Paddy (for it was he) replied, ‘Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’

‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed, ‘but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

And Paddy began – ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has the same pair.’

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was very grateful for my understanding and help, and as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please… Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’.
 
I was driving around yesterday and sawTwo blondes walk into a bar
But to be fair there was two o them.
‘you’d think one of them would have seen itf
 
Probably already been posted but...

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to an herbalist living nearby, who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him. "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
 
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But all of Bubbas neighbors were Catholic,and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating red meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.
The priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, you were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you are Catholic.
Bubbas neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The priest was called immediately by the neighbors. As the priest rushed into Bubbas yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while chanting, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you are a catfish."
 
Saw a porn film last night. A woman was giving a hand job to a joiner, a plumber, an electrician and a plasterer... It was called, "Jack Off All Trades!"
 
In an attempt to use sex to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house, my wife walked up to me and said, "I'll make you a deal. You go outside and cut the hedges, and I'll shave my pussy."
I replied, "Don't be stupid. We can't both use the hedge trimmer at once!"
 
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