Jokes

This bloody lockdown is getting to me now...
When I see a nurse in a porno, I stand and clap before I masturbate!
 
With COVID-19, we have stay at home, lockdown and minimum exercise. My wife has suggested that I go for a 5 mile walk, every morning, before breakfast! She says that with a bit of luck, by the end of the week, I will be 35 miles away.
 
Joe, the old Estate keeper went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked but he knew he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 30 years, and he truly believed he could make a new life.
He saw a shooting clothing store on the way home and thought, “That’s what I need ... a new tweed suit.”
He entered the shop and said, “I’d like a new shooting suit.”
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see ... size 44 long.”
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said. Joe tried on the tweed suit; it fit perfectly.
The salesman asked, “How about a new check shirt?”
Joe was on a roll. “Sure.”
The salesman said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16 ½ neck.”
Joe said, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years.”
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see ... size 36.”
Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”The salesman shook his head, “NO, NO, NO you can’t wear a size 34!!!! a size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache
 
The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes."
The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
The Aussie said: That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, ya'know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, are astonished, and asked?, "Two full hours?..... Wow! that's unbelievable. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Aussie replied, "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
 
If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.
He'll be standing right behind you.
 
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
 
Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person
Today I lost my job as a bus driver.
 
Guys we tried to think of a social distancing joke
but this is as close as we could get
 
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory in France?
De-brie was everywhere.
 
My mate is a pilot for Virgin Atlantic but, because of the lockdown, he's off work so l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating for me while he's at a loose end and he jumped at the chance. l must say, he made a lovely job of the landing.
 
An English teacher was explaining the differences of poetry and prose to her class.

“Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.”

“This is an example of poetry, but if I wanted to change it to prose I would say, ‘the lamb went with her’.”

“Can anybody else provide me an example of an example of either poetry or prose?”

Little Johnny raised his hand and began, “Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt. He stuck his nose into her skirt and sniffed her filthy...” He paused. “Would you prefer poetry or prose?”

“PROSE, Most definitely!” Exclaimed the teacher.

“Asshole!”
 
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