Jokes

INTERVIEWER: What made you decide to apply for a job with our bank?

ME: Honestly, the main reason is so I can get the employee discount on money.

INT:

ME: And the big basket of suckers is a draw, too.

INT:

ME: So when do I start?
 
Cop is parked across from the bar, making sure nobody drives drunk. A guy stumble out of the bar and heads down the walk. He stops by a car. The cop watches, hoping the guy doesn't plan on driving. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a set of keys, then drops them. He has a hard time reaching down and picking up the keys. The cop still watching, hopes the guy is just getting his keys out for his home. The man then starts to open the door on the car he stopped at, having a hard time getting the key in the lock. He opens the door starts to drive down the street very slowly. The cop pulls over the car and he approaches the window The cop says "sir I believe you've been drinking and should not be operating a motor vehicle. You should have had a designated driver. I need you to step out of the car and perform a roadside sobriety test." The man agrees and steps out of the car. The cop instructs the man to perform a series of tests, which he does flawlessly. "I don't get it. I observed you leaving the bar and by your actions believe you're under the influence of alcohol. I think we need to go to the station and have a blood test." The man agrees and is placed in the back of the patrol car and driven to the police station. A blood sample is taken and analyzed. The results show not a drop of alcohol in the man's system. The cop is dumbfounded. "I was positive that you had been drinking by the way you acted when I saw you leave the bar. What is your story" The man smiles, "sir, tonight I was the designated decoy."
 
Lakeside said:
A blind cowboy taps his way over to a bar stool with his white cane, sits down and asks the bartender for a shot of Jack Daniels.
He sits there for a while, then calls out to the bartender. "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
At that point the entire bar falls deadly silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says "Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind,
that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about it seriously, cowboy... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".

Ls x
Click to expand...
LMFAO!
 
An young man traveling steps off a train and asks a older man, "excuse me sir, do you have the time?"
Older man replies, "woah, slow down there son. First off you need to introduce yourself, and we will talk and get to know each other. I will invite you to my house to rest before you go home, and you'll accept. Then we arrive I'll introduce you to my wife and she will invite you to stay for dinner, and you'll accept. My daughter joins us for dinner and you two talk and have a instant connection. After dinner you talk more to my daughter and fall in love. Later that evening you ask for her hand in marriage, and I have to say no."
The young man looks puzzled and asks, "why not?"
The older man exclaims "because I wouldn't let my daughter marry anyone who couldn't afford to buy a fucking watch!"
 
A young Bull and an old Bull are standing at the top of the field when the farmer releases his herd of cows into the bottom of the field.

"Come on" says the Young Bull, "let's run down there and shag some of those cows".

"No" says the Old Bull, "let's stroll down and shag all of them!"
 
INTERVIEWER: Your resume says that you take things too literally.

ME: Wait, what? My resume can talk?

INT: Wha... no. Anyway, moving on. What's your greatest weakness?

ME: I'm always hungry.

INT: That's not what I mean...

ME: *pulls out a cake*

INT:

ME: And I don't like to share.

INT (standing up): I think we are probably done here. Do you have any questions for me?

ME: Yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart, cause they both work.

INT: This is a bank...

ME: You said any questions.

INT:

ME: So when do I start?
 
My 'go faster' teenage son crashed his car this morning.
When the police came, he gave a statement saying the other guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.
The police advised him the other guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own conservatory!
 
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the village pond"
 
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