Jokes

true story here!
When being selected for jury duty, the judge explained the case, and then interviewed potentials jurors for the robbery case. When it got to me, the judge said, "Have you ever been the victim of a crime?"
And I responded, "Yes your honor. I was married to my ex wife for 10 years."
The court room fell apart in laughter.
I was selected for jury duty. :(
 
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. ... The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman... He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate... Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog... Then, it was already 1 P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: - Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back.. Amen!' The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. But you'll have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.
 
A rather strict police officer is sitting at the end of a bridge watching for speeders. A car goes by him going about 5 mph over the speed limit, so, being strict about the law, he turns on his sirens and follows the car across the bridge. When they get to the other side, the car pulls over. The cop gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car window. A woman rolls down the window, and the cop says, "Ma'am, I hope you know that you were speeding, and it will get you a ticket." The woman is annoyed, but takes a deep breath and says, "I wasn't going that much over the speed limit, but I understand, officer. I'm sorry, but I'm late for work." As the cop is writing the ticket, he says, "And what do you do for work?" The woman replies, "I'm a rectum stretcher." The cop stops writing, then looks up at the woman, saying "You're a what?..." The woman replies "A rectum stretcher. You see, people come into my practice wanting their rectum stretched for various reasons. I don't get too much into the reasons with them, but anyway, here's how it works: I put on gloves and lube them up. I start by sticking one finger in, then two, then three, then four, then all five fingers and my hand, pulling and stretching the entire time. Then I can get my other hand in and really get working. Eventually, I can pull a rectum two a foot, then two feet, and so on until I get the rectum to 6 feet wide." The cop is mortified, then says, "Jesus Christ! What the fuck do you do with a six-foot asshole?!?" The woman responds, "Give him a radar gun and sit him at the end of a bridge."
 
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday. The priest nearly fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said "I got to be honest with ya Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat".

The priest said: "Well, murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. what changed ya mind?" Murphy replied "Well, after I heard ya sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all!"

With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, hey?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat.

Ls x
 
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says.
"That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
 
How to get fit

A guy calls a weight loss company and orders their 5 day - 5 pound weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from the company, dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 pounds as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5 day - 10 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 pounds as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day - 25 pound program.
‘Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,

'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 31 pounds that week...
 
Murphy , a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked
him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it,
and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-post bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
 
A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs
“Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”
 
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is couple sex?"
The grandfather was shocked that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Carefully and gently he began to explain, leaving nothing out, telling her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of sex. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in horror.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask me this question, honey?"
The little girl replied, quietly, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.
 
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