Jokes
- Thread starter Mabal
- Start date
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
Not a chance, says the husband, it's 3:00 in the morning!
He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?" asked his wife. Just some drunk guy asking for a push, he answers.
Did you help him? she asks.
No, I did not, it's 3 in the morning and it's pouring rain out there!
Well, you have a short memory, says his wife.
Can't you remember about three years ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know.
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, Hello, are you still there?
Yes, comes back the answer.
Do you still need a push? calls out the husband.
Yes, please! comes the reply from the dark.
Where are you? asks the husband.
Over here on the swing, replied the drunk.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
Not a chance, says the husband, it's 3:00 in the morning!
He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?" asked his wife. Just some drunk guy asking for a push, he answers.
Did you help him? she asks.
No, I did not, it's 3 in the morning and it's pouring rain out there!
Well, you have a short memory, says his wife.
Can't you remember about three years ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know.
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, Hello, are you still there?
Yes, comes back the answer.
Do you still need a push? calls out the husband.
Yes, please! comes the reply from the dark.
Where are you? asks the husband.
Over here on the swing, replied the drunk.
One day Claude the Hypnotist was doing a show at the local senior citizens center.
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. Yes, each and every one of you
and all at the same time said, Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. I want you to keep your eyes on this watch, said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations said, Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ---
Watch the watch" The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized. And then suddenly without any warning, the chain on the valuable watch broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst into pieces upon impact. SHIT" shouted Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center.
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. Yes, each and every one of you
and all at the same time said, Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. I want you to keep your eyes on this watch, said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations said, Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ---
Watch the watch" The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized. And then suddenly without any warning, the chain on the valuable watch broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst into pieces upon impact. SHIT" shouted Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center.
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showersTwo priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand , and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells...
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand , and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells...
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"
Sven is passing by Ole's shed one day and hears music coming from inside he looked through a crack in the door and saw Ole doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Harris tractor.
Ole is seductively dancing around the old red tractor, shaking his hips and waving his arms in an alluring motion.
He slides his suspenders down over his arms allowing his overalls to drop to the floor and tears his shirt off.
He gives one last twirl throwing his hat on to the hood of the tractor and falls back into a pile of hay exhausted.
“What on earth are you doing Ole?” asked Sven.
“Vel, ye know Sven, ye frightened the livin crap out of me” says an obviously embarrassed Ole, 'but me and Lena been having some troubles lately in the bedroom,
and the Therapist told me I should try doing something sexy to a tractor . " (attract her)
Ole is seductively dancing around the old red tractor, shaking his hips and waving his arms in an alluring motion.
He slides his suspenders down over his arms allowing his overalls to drop to the floor and tears his shirt off.
He gives one last twirl throwing his hat on to the hood of the tractor and falls back into a pile of hay exhausted.
“What on earth are you doing Ole?” asked Sven.
“Vel, ye know Sven, ye frightened the livin crap out of me” says an obviously embarrassed Ole, 'but me and Lena been having some troubles lately in the bedroom,
and the Therapist told me I should try doing something sexy to a tractor . " (attract her)
PMSL!!!
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking goofy!"
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night.
He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night.
He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
TallulahBlue
Resident
FITNESS INSTRUCTOR: Do you squat?
ME: No, I rent. I ain't a fuckin hobo.
ME: No, I rent. I ain't a fuckin hobo.
D
Deleted member 178467
Guest
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering.
98 of them said, "How the hell did you get in here?"
98 of them said, "How the hell did you get in here?"
D
Deleted member 178467
Guest
Billy & Johnny, two little boys in the playground at school. Billy says to Johnny, "That’s a nice watch how did you get it?"
Johnny replies, "I walked into dads bedroom and he was making love to my mum. He told me leave them alone and in latter on he'd buy me a present."
"That's brilliant, I'm going to try that."
That evening Johnny walks into his parents bedroom, his dad asks, "What are you doing."
"I want a watch"
"Stand in the corner and make sure you're quiet!"
Johnny replies, "I walked into dads bedroom and he was making love to my mum. He told me leave them alone and in latter on he'd buy me a present."
"That's brilliant, I'm going to try that."
That evening Johnny walks into his parents bedroom, his dad asks, "What are you doing."
"I want a watch"
"Stand in the corner and make sure you're quiet!"
D
Deleted member 178467
Guest
A Monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me"
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.
He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”
The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK DUUUDE .... HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.
He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”
The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK DUUUDE .... HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"
A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65 ". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City".Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom".
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years".
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom".
"Just a minute" says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results" says Saint Peter.
"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed".
Ls x
Saint Peter addresses this guy "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City".Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom".
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years".
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom".
"Just a minute" says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results" says Saint Peter.
"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed".
Ls x
A husband dies. He had $30,000 to his name. After everything is done at
the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is
none of the $30,000 left.
The friend says, "How can that be?
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course I made a
donation to the church. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the
wake -- food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"
The widow says, "Three carats
the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is
none of the $30,000 left.
The friend says, "How can that be?
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course I made a
donation to the church. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the
wake -- food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"
The widow says, "Three carats
Two Americans were backpacking in Europe when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in German "Where is the nearest petrol diner?"
The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. "Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying".
The driver tried again in French and again was met with blank stares and shakes of the head from the two tourists. Getting frustrated, he tried again in Italian, in Spanish, each time receiving nothing but sheepish smiles from the two of them. Finally, he cursed under his breath and drove away angrily.
The first American asked his partner "Maybe we should learn a second language".
His partner shrugged and replied "Why? That dude knew four languages and it didn't help him one bit".
Ls x
The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. "Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying".
The driver tried again in French and again was met with blank stares and shakes of the head from the two tourists. Getting frustrated, he tried again in Italian, in Spanish, each time receiving nothing but sheepish smiles from the two of them. Finally, he cursed under his breath and drove away angrily.
The first American asked his partner "Maybe we should learn a second language".
His partner shrugged and replied "Why? That dude knew four languages and it didn't help him one bit".
Ls x
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the dishevelled guy turned
to the priest and asked "Say, father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man".
"Well I'll be!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".
Ls x
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the dishevelled guy turned
to the priest and asked "Say, father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man".
"Well I'll be!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".
Ls x
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came
back and 1 by 1 they told their stories until it was little Johnny’s turn.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in
Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a
survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break
and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed
four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the
last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking!"
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came
back and 1 by 1 they told their stories until it was little Johnny’s turn.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in
Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a
survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break
and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed
four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the
last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking!"