Jokes

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car..

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
Please... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
 
NAG NAG NAG

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him.

About, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been?

Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up the stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
 
A man suffered a serious heart attack while abroad on holiday. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
“Do you have travel insurance?” she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, “No insurance.”
The nun asked, “Do you have money or a credit card?”
He replied, “No money, no card”
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.
He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The man replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
 
A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He's riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house, when he explains his situation to the taxi driver.
While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers the him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees.
They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed - and there his wife lays in bed with another man!
Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the naked man's head. Just then, his wife yells "Don't do it!!!
I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!..."
•HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.
•HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains.
•HE paid for your Atlanta Braves season tickets.
•HE paid for our our lake house and boat.
•HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head, unsure of whether or not to pull the trigger, he looks over at the taxi driver and asks "What should I do?"
The taxi driver replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."
 
Luigi walks to work 20 blocks every day, and passes a shoe store twice every day.

Each day he stops and looks in the window, to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much ….. it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300 and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes, for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance, and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies. 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?

Luigi answers. 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?

Rosa answers. 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?

He replies. 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?

Now as the evening is almost over, and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red.

He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,

Please, please, tella me this true!

Carmela smiles coyly, and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight..'

Luigi gasps. 'Thanka god ... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leather shoes!'
 
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said,

"We can't go in there.

We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said,
"Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said,
"Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said,
"You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said,
"A Doberman?"

The woman said,
"Yes, they're using them now.
They're very good."

The bouncer said,
"OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said,
"Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said,
"You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said,
"A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........

"A Chihuahua ?????
They gave me a fucking Chihuahua ??!!!!!"
 
You're so childish!" screamed the wife. "Why do you always have to use that stupid walkie talkie with your stupid friends?! This is ridiculous, this relationship is over!" “This relationship is what? Over.”
 
A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest: “I almost had an affair with another woman.”

The priest asked: “What do you mean, almost?”

The man replied: “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

The priest said: “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.”

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying: “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

The man replied: “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”
 
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
 
A Brunette and a Blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff on a piece of rope. They realise that the rope will break if one of them doesnt let go and that they will both fall to their deaths. The Brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how shes going to Sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the Blonde starts clapping.........
 
Carol was not the best student in Convent School. Usually she slept through class. One day her teacher, Sister Therese, called on her while she was sleeping in class. “Tell me Carol, who created the universe?”

When Carol didn’t stir, but little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. “God Almighty!” shouted Carol.

The nun said, “Very good” and continued teaching her class...

A little later Sister Therese asked Carol, “Who is our Lord and Saviour?” But Carol didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. “Jesus Christ!” shouted Carol. And her teacher once again said, “Very good.” Carol fell back asleep.

Not sure that Carol was listening to anything, Sister Therese asked her a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Carol jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!

Dear Sister Therese fainted.
 
After twenty five years of marriage a husband asks his wife what she would like for their anniversary.
A luxurious trip to Europe?
No, no, no, she said. We’ve been to Europe before and it was just fine.
A new car? He asked.
No, no, no, she said.
The Cadillac I have now is just fine.
A new mink coat? He asked No, no, no, she said. The
coat I have now is just fine. Well then, I’ve run out of ideas. What is it that I can give you for our anniversary ? Give me a divorce and I’ll be just fine.
A divorce!!!
I wasn’t planning on
spending that much.
 
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