Jokes
- Thread starter Mabal
- Start date
A young law student, having failed his exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
"Professor, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
"Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a Professor, would I?"
"OK, Professor, I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer however, you'll have to give me an "A".
"Hmmmm, unorthodox but alright. So what’s the question?"
"Well Professor, what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal and neither logical nor legal?”
The Professor wracks his famous brain but just can't crack the answer. Finally, he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed. The student goes away, very pleased.
The Professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon but still can’t get the answer. So finally, he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a perplexing question for them to answer. "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal and neither logical nor legal?”
To the Professor's surprise and embarrassment, all the students immediately raise their hands.
"All right" says the Professor and asks his favourite student to answer.
"It's quite easy sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.
Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical but not legal.
And last but not least, your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
"Professor, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
"Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a Professor, would I?"
"OK, Professor, I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer however, you'll have to give me an "A".
"Hmmmm, unorthodox but alright. So what’s the question?"
"Well Professor, what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal and neither logical nor legal?”
The Professor wracks his famous brain but just can't crack the answer. Finally, he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed. The student goes away, very pleased.
The Professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon but still can’t get the answer. So finally, he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a perplexing question for them to answer. "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal and neither logical nor legal?”
To the Professor's surprise and embarrassment, all the students immediately raise their hands.
"All right" says the Professor and asks his favourite student to answer.
"It's quite easy sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.
Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical but not legal.
And last but not least, your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shovelling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella he a wasa ina charge of supplies,
but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel.
Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,
'SUPPLIES!!! !'
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shovelling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella he a wasa ina charge of supplies,
but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel.
Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,
'SUPPLIES!!! !'
A golfer is taking a long time teeing off, and his friend asks him what’s the matter. “My wife is watching from the clubhouse,” he says.
“So I want to make sure this is a good one.”
“You’re crazy,” replies the friend. “The clubhouse has to be 500 yards away.
You’ll never hit her from this distance.”
“So I want to make sure this is a good one.”
“You’re crazy,” replies the friend. “The clubhouse has to be 500 yards away.
You’ll never hit her from this distance.”
I literally *Laughed Out Loud* over this!
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!"said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
D
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Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a beautiful blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed £10 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her £10 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 6 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed £10 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her £10 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 6 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.
D
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My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back.
Half way through he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand."
The tattooist said "Give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban."
Half way through he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand."
The tattooist said "Give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban."
D
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Prince Charles turned up at Crewe to unveil a new statue whilst wearing a fox hat on his head.
Someone bravely said to him "Why are you wearing that?"
He replied it was the Queen's idea actually, she said to me this morning, Where are you going today?"
I replied, "Crewe."
And she said "Wear the fox hat?"
Someone bravely said to him "Why are you wearing that?"
He replied it was the Queen's idea actually, she said to me this morning, Where are you going today?"
I replied, "Crewe."
And she said "Wear the fox hat?"
D
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My wife asked me what was I doing on the computer, I told her that I was looking for cheap flights.
She got very excited telling me that she loved me and dragged me to the bedroom.
This shocked me as she has never shown any interest in Darts before.
She got very excited telling me that she loved me and dragged me to the bedroom.
This shocked me as she has never shown any interest in Darts before.
D
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Our Jake dropped a girl off after their 1st date last night.
Before she got out of his car she said, "I hope you didn't expect sex or a blow job off me so soon, as I like to make a guy wait at least 6 months."
"No problem," he replied, "I totally understand and respect your decision on that kind of thing, I'll give you a ring in 6 months time."
Before she got out of his car she said, "I hope you didn't expect sex or a blow job off me so soon, as I like to make a guy wait at least 6 months."
"No problem," he replied, "I totally understand and respect your decision on that kind of thing, I'll give you a ring in 6 months time."
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news" says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant". "Go for it doc" says the man "as long as I can play golf again!"
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved". "That's great" said the surgeon.
"Not only that" continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours".
"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just two, said the golfer "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache".
Ls x
"I have some good news and some bad news" says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant". "Go for it doc" says the man "as long as I can play golf again!"
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved". "That's great" said the surgeon.
"Not only that" continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours".
"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just two, said the golfer "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache".
Ls x
George, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples. After his round of golf he saw some in the pro shop and decided to buy them. He was so delighted with his purchase he decided to wear them home to show the misses.
Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the bedroom and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied, "Nope."
Frustrated as all get out, George stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the bedroom completely naked except for the new golf shoes.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW???"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "George, what's different?”
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, George yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!!!”
Without missing a beat Margaret replies,
"Shoulda bought a new golf hat, George, should bought a new hat!!."
Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the bedroom and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied, "Nope."
Frustrated as all get out, George stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the bedroom completely naked except for the new golf shoes.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW???"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "George, what's different?”
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, George yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!!!”
Without missing a beat Margaret replies,
"Shoulda bought a new golf hat, George, should bought a new hat!!."
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one,
“Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”
So the first man replies:
“Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell, but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”
“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding inside a refrigerator…”
“Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”
So the first man replies:
“Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell, but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”
“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding inside a refrigerator…”
A group of 12 women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cellphones and text their husband "I love you, sweetheart."
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
Below are 12 actual replies from their husbands. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply! in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Are you sure this is for me?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cellphones and text their husband "I love you, sweetheart."
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
Below are 12 actual replies from their husbands. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply! in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Are you sure this is for me?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
A Fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend
partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him,
“How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough in his left eye that he could see her.
partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him,
“How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough in his left eye that he could see her.
D
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A dog lover, whose dog was a female and 'on heat', agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while they were on holiday. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as sometimes happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next.
Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she had explained the problem to him, the vet said: "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you really think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked for me," he replied.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as sometimes happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next.
Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she had explained the problem to him, the vet said: "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you really think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked for me," he replied.
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.