Jokes

This man had a priapism, which is a very painful erection that can last for weeks. He went to a drug store and asked the lady behind the counter if the pharmacist was in. She said that she was the pharmacist. He asked if there was a man pharmacist and she told him that she was fully qualified to help him as a pharmacist and she was half owner of the store along with her sister who is also a pharmacist. He said he didn't want to embarrass anybody and opened his coat, pointed to his very erect problem and told her it's been like this for two weeks. Nothing I do makes it go down. What can you give me? The woman consulted with her sister and said "We can give you $10,000 and half interest in the store!"
 
While riding his Harley, a biker swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging his head. Dazed and confused he crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked "Are you okay?"

As he looked up, he noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for..."I'm okay I think" he replied as he pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said "Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head". "That's nice of you" he answered "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse" she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly".

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, he agreed, but repeated "I'm sure my wife won't like this".

They arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, he thanked her and said "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now".

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs he'd ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess".

Ls x
 
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Lakeside said:
While riding his Harley, a biker swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging his head. Dazed and confused he crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked "Are you okay?"

As he looked up, he noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for..."I'm okay I think" he replied as he pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said "Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head". "That's nice of you" he answered "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse" she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly".

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, he agreed, but repeated "I'm sure my wife won't like this".

They arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, he thanked her and said "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now".

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I've ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess".

Ls x
Click to expand...
Hahahahaha
 
Lakeside said:
While riding his Harley, a biker swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging his head. Dazed and confused he crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked "Are you okay?"

As he looked up, he noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for..."I'm okay I think" he replied as he pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said "Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head". "That's nice of you" he answered "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse" she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly".

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, he agreed, but repeated "I'm sure my wife won't like this".

They arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, he thanked her and said "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now".

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs he'd ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess".

Ls x
Click to expand...
Lmao
 
My neighbour is a beautiful woman
One day I went around to see if she wanted to go out for a drink
I just arrived at the door just as the milk man arrived and started putting bottles on the door step
He continued going back and forth between the truck and the door
Eventually he stopped after placing 160 pints of milk on the step
I went to speak to her and said
“I think your milkman has made a mistake. He’s just put 160 pints of milk on your doorstep.”
She explained that it was part of her beauty regime that she would bathe in milk twice a week
“Oh!” I said “Pasteurised?”
“No!”vshe replied “just up to my neck.”
 
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be but never delivered.
Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him!
 
I was sitting there at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says menacingly.

“You’ve just made this the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure.

I was late to a meeting this morning, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab that I then took home where I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in, and I sit here watching the poison dissolve ... and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, enough about me, how are you doing?”
 
St Peter's Gates

Three Drunks die, and off to heaven they go and stop at St. Peter's Gates. St Peter explains to the 3 drunks, that it's pretty full today, and that the needed to show him something that symbolized Christmas.

So the first drunk walks up to the gates, and St. Peter says to him, and what do you have that symbolizes Christmas. The drunk fumbles in his pants, and his pockets, and pulls out his wallet, and pulls some papers out, and holds them up, and St. Peter say, and what is that. The drunk mumbles that is Christmas music on sheets of paper. St. Peter says ok, you are welcome.

The second drunk stumbles up the gates, and St Peter says to him what do you have that symbolize for Christmas, drunk stands there, and after a few minutes, St Peter says well, do you have anything. The drunk pulls out his car keys and holds them up, and St Peter says, and what is that. The drunk says they would be the bells of Christmas. St Peter says Welcome.

The third drunk walks up and stands there. St Peter says and what do you have. The old drunk is looking everywhere, checks his pockets on his pants, and coat, shirt, when all of a sudden, he pulls out a pair of white lace panties, and St Peter, says and what that be, and the drunk looked up to St Peter and burst out and said, they would be Carols
 
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A guy walks into a barber shop and asks how long for a haircut .. owner says 2hrs...ok ill be back....the next day guy comes in how long for a haircut 1 and half hours...guy says nah ill come back...next day same guy comes in asks...owner says 3 hrs ...ill be back the guy says and leaves...hey! the owner tells a friend of his in the shop follow this guy and find out what hes doing....friend comes back wiping away tears the owner asks ...well ..where did he go....laughing his ass off he says your house !
 
Freddy69foryou said:
A guy walks into a barber shop and asks how long for a haircut .. owner says 2hrs...ok ill be back....the next day guy comes in how long for a haircut 1 and half hours...guy says nah ill come back...next day same guy comes in asks...owner says 3 hrs ...ill be back the guy says and leaves...hey! the owner tells a friend of his in the shop follow this guy and find out what hes doing....friend comes back wiping away tears the owner asks ...well ..where did he go....laughing his ass off he says your house !
Click to expand...

Reminded me I had this one on file. :)

Chinese Sick Leave.JPG

Ls x
 
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die."
She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"
 
(my first and last day as a spelling bee pronouncer)

ME: Your word is "policy"

KID: Can you use it in a sentence please?

ME: Yes, um, that guy must be an undercover cop because he looks kind of policy.

KID: I don't think you're saying that word correctly.

ME: I don't think you're advancing to the next round so sit the fuck down.
 
Christmas with a hooker song:

Last Christmas, she gave me her heart. The very next day, she told me to pay.

This year, she doubled the price. And told me Im getting the holiday special.

Once bitten and twice shy I keep my distance But you still catch my eye Tell me, baby Do you recognize me? Well, it's been a year It doesn't surprise me (Merry Christmas!) I wrapped it up and sent it With a note saying, "I love you, " I meant it Now, I know what a fool I've been But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again.

Last Christmas, she gave me her heart. The very next day, she told me to pay.

This year, she doubled the price. And told me Im getting the holiday special.
 
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