Jokes

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More a prank than a joke but still ....

Set the time on her phone 2 hours forward so when the alarm rings she thinks she's really late for work.

When it goes off .. scream oh shit youre late .. quick shower and get dressed.

Then just lay in bed and wait for her to come out looking like she just walked through a tornado.
 
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
 
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among a wide assortment of men.
The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me!
But just think what must be awaiting me further on?"
So up to the sixth floor she goes.
Floor 6 - The sign reads: You are visitor 8,672,539,410 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
 
While enjoying their evening cocktails at home, the wife asks her
husband, in a very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars
all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a
silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and
seductively reached into her panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little
quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”

He said, "No!," trying to hide his anticipation,

She said, "Check the garage."
 
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday .
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: - Work Out Barbie, Shopping Barbie, Beach Barbie, Disco Barbie, Ballerina Barbie, Astronaut Barbie, and Skater Barbie, all of which cost £19.95 each. And we also have Divorced Barbie, for £265.95.
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.95 and the others only £19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs and answers:
"Sir... Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain with Ken's balls on it."
 
One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”
Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself.
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry-on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords. It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, He’d ask me for assistance.

Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'? The three Cardinals behind, in front and beside him shrunk down in their seats, all looking for something on the floor.

The man was in morbid shock. He couldn’t breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in!

Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Greatness, that you're looking for the word, 'aunt'…"

"Of course," the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the cross-word, "You wouldn’t have an eraser, would you?…"
 
I saw my dwarf neighbour at a bus stop.
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"F... off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little shit" I thought as I zipped my rucksack and continued my walk.
 
An Englishman drives into a petrol station in Ireland in a new Bentley car.
The attendant starts to fill the car with petrol, "What a lovely car sir."
"Yes I get a new one every year."
"What lovely shoes that you have on."
"They're Italian, I buy three pairs for £500 a pair."
"And the suit is very nice too sir."
"Yes it's Saville Row you know £1000 each, I buy three at a time."
"Good lord sir you must have a very good job."
"Yes I work for Cunard."
"Well I work f..... Hard but I can't afford gear like that."
 
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