Jokes

Paddy is in an alley way when a woman approaches him.
He asks "How much for sex?" She replies "£20"
He says okay then.
They are going at it when a policeman shone his torch and asks what's going on.
Paddy replies "It's okay it's my wife" fair enough said the policeman.
Paddy replies " Untill you shone your torch I didn't know it was the wife!"
 
(my first day as a waitress)

ME: And how would you like your steak, sir?

GUY DINING: Very well done.

ME: Thank you so much for the compliment! To be honest, it's my very first day and I was so worried about saying the wrong thing, because that's usually what I do...

GUY: Wha...? No, I'm talking about my steak. I want my steak very well done.

ME: Wow ... what a waste of a good steak, you motherfucking dullard.
 
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
 
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this ole thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the
woman. " On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an
expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home.
Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes
upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering
closer to him, "We've both been out here for many
months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?"
She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a Motorcycle?” ️️️️
 
Skeleton walks into a bar. Says to the bartender, “Give me a beer and a mop.”
 
A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a transparent negligee for his wife.

The salesgirl shows him several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
 
The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your Motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention."
God was somewhat taken back, and when he asked what the flaws might be, Arthur Davidson produced a list for him to read:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there and it may be true that my invention is flawed..." God said to Arthur.
"But the last time that I checked, more men are riding my invention than yours."
 
Our Jake met an older woman in the pub last Friday night. She looked pretty good for 55, in fact he said she was rather hot. Then he got thinking whilst drinking with her, perhaps she's got a hot daughter at home as well...
After a few more drinks she asked him, "Have you ever had a sportsman's double?"
"Whats that?" Jake asked.
"It's a mother and daughter threesome, would you like to come back to mine?"
Well Jake couldn't wait, and quickly finished his drink and hand-in-hand soon left the pub.
As they walked through her door, she turned the hall light on and shouted up the stairs...
"Mum are you still awake?"
 
A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your ass. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."
 
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls. However, do they know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.
 
During the last weeks snowfalls a guy got hold of his neighbour and said "Your son had a pee in the snow outside my house last night".
"Theirs nothing wrong with that is there?"
"Well he wrote his name in the snow."
"Oh come on we've all done that!"
"Yes but it was in my daughters handwriting!"
 
Donald Tr u m p got a new security officer. After a week on the job the new security officer saw something suspicious, anticipating the man had a gun and with no thought for his own safety, he rushed past Rudeman shouting "Mickey Mouse".
He wrestled the man to the ground and sure enough he had a gun. Afterwards everybody praised him but said why did you shout Mickey Mouse.
He said "In the heat of the moment I got confused, I meant to shout 'Donald Duck'!"
 
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