A Pokemon Trainer and a Mass Murderer walk into a bar...
Looks like it hurt.
Looks like it hurt.
Jokes
- Thread starter Mabal
- Start date
Don't forget to grab a straw because you suckLame
*listens for the whistle*Don't forget to grab a straw because you suck
*looking behind be to see if @InvincibleLight is standing behind me with rope*
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Robin went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, *'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.*
Horrified, Robin told her grandmother that people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny.! 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.. It was just the right rhythm.. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong. 'She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued........
*'He'd still be alive if the damn fire engine had not passed by'.*
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, *'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.*
Horrified, Robin told her grandmother that people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny.! 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.. It was just the right rhythm.. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong. 'She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued........
*'He'd still be alive if the damn fire engine had not passed by'.*
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room... "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses... The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"
"I remember that, too" she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room... "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses... The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"
"I remember that, too" she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
A man goes up to a very beautiful, big-breasted woman in the supermarket and says, "I've lost my wife somewhere. Can you talk to me for a few minutes?"
The woman is confused and asks, "Why talk to me ?"
The guy says, "Because every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."
The woman is confused and asks, "Why talk to me ?"
The guy says, "Because every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."
A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?"
"No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?"
"No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
The Pastor's Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won !!
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the next race,
and it won that race too.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another races.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!!
The Bishop fainted ?.
He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey as soon as possible.
So she sold it to a local farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey, and take it to the plains
where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won !!
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the next race,
and it won that race too.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another races.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!!
The Bishop fainted ?.
He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey as soon as possible.
So she sold it to a local farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey, and take it to the plains
where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
Three ducks walk into a bar.
'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck. 'Huey,' was the reply. 'How's your day been, Huey?' 'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey. 'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?' 'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two. 'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked. 'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?' The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?' 'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes. 'My name is Puddles.'
'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck. 'Huey,' was the reply. 'How's your day been, Huey?' 'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey. 'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?' 'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two. 'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked. 'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?' The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?' 'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes. 'My name is Puddles.'