Jokes
- Thread starter Mabal
- Start date
Lol tf
A young couple is on their honeymoon. The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself,
"Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it
from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do
I tell her?" Meanwhile, the wife is sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that
I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting,
but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and walks into the bedroom. He walks
over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck,
moves his face very close to hers and says,
"Darling, I've got a confession to make." She says, "So have I, love." To which he replies,
"Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
"Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it
from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do
I tell her?" Meanwhile, the wife is sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that
I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting,
but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and walks into the bedroom. He walks
over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck,
moves his face very close to hers and says,
"Darling, I've got a confession to make." She says, "So have I, love." To which he replies,
"Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
The leading local politician was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was late, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
He commenced with: “Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!”
“I got my first impression of this parish from the very first confession I ever heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
The leading local politician was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was late, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
He commenced with: “Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!”
“I got my first impression of this parish from the very first confession I ever heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation -- and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?'
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now -- how about that drink?
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation -- and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?'
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now -- how about that drink?
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
PMSL!!! This Is Awesome!
The Poor Man and The Rich Man
The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."
The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."
There was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
Those of you who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!
Bubba had shingles. Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.'
The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?'
Bubba had shingles. Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.'
The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?'
This is absolutely fantastic!