Jokes

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"'Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say.".

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell.""Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"
 

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.



"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.


One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"


"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.


"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.


"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.


"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.


"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.


"Tell me why," says the priest.


"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."


The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."


"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.
 
CrystalMarker said:
Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.



"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.


One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"


"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.


"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.


"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.


"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.


"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.


"Tell me why," says the priest.


"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."


The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."


"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.
Click to expand...
Mmmmm, cleanup in aisle 3. Hahaha
 
Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy, I decided to have it carried out instead while visiting Thailand where the beautiful nurses are gentler and accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side the nurse began the examination.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" I said.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.
 
THE KILLING JOKE

See, there were two guys locked in a lunatic asylum and one night... one night, they decided they didn't like that anymore. They decided to escape. So, they made it up to the roof and there, just across this narrow gap, they see rooftops, stretching across town, stretching to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across, no problem. But his friend, oh, no way, he's afraid of falling. So, the first guy has an idea. He says, "Hey, I got this flashlight with me. I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings and you can walk across the beam and join me." But the second guy says, "What do you think I am, crazy? You'll just turn it off when I'm halfway across!"

Batman fans know this one already.
 
A French Foreign Legion officer is posted to a fort in the middle of the Tunisian desert, miles from anywhere. He walks through the gates and the men are all lined up and smartly dressed. The sergeant major greets him and asks if he would like to inspect the men.
While the officer walks along the lines he notices a ropey old camel tied up behind the fort gates. When he gets into his office the officer turns to the sergeant major and asks “Sarn’t Major I’ve noticed the camel behind the gates – why is it here?”.
The sergeant major replies “Well, were miles from anywhere and when the men get frisky they use the camel. “Oh! I see replies” the officer.

After a few months the officer is getting frisky and orders the sergeant major to bring the camel into his office. The officer climbs on top of his desk and slips the camel a quicky and then climbs down.
The sergeant major is standing there trying to stifle a laugh.
“What’s so amusing sarn’t major?” demands the officer.
The sergeant major replies “Well sir the men usually saddle up the camel to use it to get to the town!A French Foreign Legion officer is posted to a fort in the middle of the Tunisian desert, miles from anywhere. He walks through the gates and the men are all lined up and smartly dressed. The sergeant major greets him and asks if he would like to inspect the men.
While the officer walks along the lines he notices a ropey old camel tied up behind the fort gates. When he gets into his office the officer turns to the sergeant major and asks “Sarn’t Major I’ve noticed the camel behind the gates – why is it here?”.
The sergeant major replies “Well, were miles from anywhere and when the men get frisky they use the camel. “Oh! I see replies” the officer.

After a few months the officer is getting frisky and orders the sergeant major to bring the camel into his office. The officer climbs on top of his desk and slips the camel a quicky and then climbs down.
The sergeant major is standing there trying to stifle a laugh.
“What’s so amusing sarn’t major?” demands the officer.
The sergeant major replies “Well sir the men usually saddle up the camel to use it to get to the town for the brothels !”.”.
 
“Bartender: What’s the matter buddy?

Man: It’s the worst thing ever. I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.

Bartender: Oh man that really sucks! What did you do?

Man: I told her to pack her shit and get the hell out!

Bartender: What about your best friend?

Man: I looked him straight in the eyes and said BAD DOG!”
 
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell". "Grandma that sounds easy but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow...?" "What... you coming empty handed?"

Ls x
 
A mother is in the kitchen one day, preparing dinner for the family.

Her young daughter walks in and asks her, “Mommy, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a while before deciding she ought to be honest with her daughter. She says, “Well honey, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and then they have sex.”

The daughter looks confused so the mother says, “That means that Daddy puts his penis in Mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby.”

The daughter thinks for a moment and then seems to understand. Then she says, “Oh, I see. But the other night when I came into your room you had Daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

The mother replies, “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
 
A blonde who wanted to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type and started advertising a rich neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much is your fee?" The blonde said "How about 40 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and staircases that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the dialogue and said to her husband "Does she understand that the porch goes all the way around the house?" "The man replied "She should. She was standing on the porch".

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to take her money.

"You finished fast!" he said. "Yes" the blonde replied "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats".

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way" the blonde added "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari".

Ls x
 
Why does it take 1 million male Sperm to fertilise an woman's egg?
Cos none of them will ask for directions!
 
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