Jokes

An old man is on his deathbed with Fred, his oldest friend by his side.

“Fred” he says “ I can remember when I was a young boy and I crashed my car and was badly injured – you were by my side”.
“Fred, I can remember when me and the wife had our first child and my wife died – you were by my side”.
“Fred, I can remember when my favourite dog got killed – you were by my side”.
“Fred, I can remember when my house burnt down and I lost everything – you were by my side”.
“Fred, I can remember when my business burnt down – you were by my side”
“Fred, I can remember when I had to have an arm amputated – you were by my side”.
Then the old man looks at Fred and says “Lying here I’ve had time to realise you’ve been a f%$king jinx all my life!”
 
A man who has lived his entire life in the hustle of the city finally tires of it all and decides to move into the mountains. He throws caution to the wind, makes the change and buys a small house in the middle of nowhere. Weeks go by where he doesn't see another soul. A little disparaged, the man wakes one morning and realizes he can't do it and begins to make plans to move back to what he knows while having breakfast. Suddenly there's a loud banging on his door. The man jumps up quickly and runs over excited at his first visitor. He opens the door to find a large hulking mountain man, long flaming red beard, axe in one hand, beer bottle in the other. They look at eachother for a few seconds.

The mountain man steps forward and begins to introduce himself in a loud booming voice rivaled only by the wind outside. "I heard someone new moved into the area and I've come from over the mountain to say hello and to invite you to a welcome party at my place". The city man is elated "I haven't seen a single person since I got here, this is great. I'd love to come to the party". The mountain man looks at him and says "well I've got to warn you, there's been known to be a bit of drinking at these parties". The city man replies with "ahh no issues I can handle a few beers". The mountain man looks at him again "there's also been known to be some fighting at these parties". The city man looks a little concerned but brushes it off with "that's fine I can throw a punch or two when drunk". The mountain continues "there's also been known to be some pretty wild sex at these parties". The city man's face lights up "that's the best news I've heard today, haven't had a girlfriend in years. I'm definitely coming to this party. Oh by the way is there a theme? What should I be wearing?". The mountain man leans in "well it doesn't really matter, there will only be you and me".
 
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the
road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."
 
Dave and Don were identical twins. Don owned
an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much
to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a
group of out-of-staters who sank it.

Don spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he
could and was out of touch all that day and
most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his
brother Dave's wife died suddenly. When he
got back on shore he went into town...to pick up
a few things at the grocery.

A kind old woman there mistook him for Dave and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss, You must feel terrible".
Don, thinking she was talking about his boat
said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid
of her. She was a rotten old thing from the
beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up
and she smelled horrible. She was always
holding water.She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole too.Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was
when I rented her to those four guys looking
for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't
very good and smelled . But they wanted her
anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all
at one time and she split right up the
middle..." That was when the old woman fainted
 
Freddy69foryou said:
Dave and Don were identical twins. Don owned
an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much
to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a
group of out-of-staters who sank it.

Don spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he
could and was out of touch all that day and
most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his
brother Dave's wife died suddenly. When he
got back on shore he went into town...to pick up
a few things at the grocery.

A kind old woman there mistook him for Dave and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss, You must feel terrible".
Don, thinking she was talking about his boat
said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid
of her. She was a rotten old thing from the
beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up
and she smelled horrible. She was always
holding water.She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole too.Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was
when I rented her to those four guys looking
for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't
very good and smelled . But they wanted her
anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all
at one time and she split right up the
middle..." That was when the old woman fainted
Click to expand...

I think I'm laughing a lot more than I should be...
 
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
 
Freddy69foryou said:
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
Click to expand...
LMFAO!
 
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