Jokes

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now,

don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.

He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has".

Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden,

the Russian lunged forward,

grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel

hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.

He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian

go flying up in the air.

. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on

top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment,

I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce

of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
 
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the
police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and grandma proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all
the prostitutes.

When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, then I rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry."

The policeman fainted
 
A CNN REPORTER WALKS INTO A NEIGHBORHOOD TAVERN AND IS ABOUT TO ORDER A DRINK WHEN HE SEES A GUY AT THE END OF THE BAR WEARING A "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" HAT. IT DIDN'T TAKE AN EINSTEIN TO KNOW THE GUY WAS A DONALD Rudeman SUPPORTER.

THE CNN GUY SHOUTS OVER TO THE BARTENDER, LOUDLY ENOUGH THAT EVERYONE IN THE BAR COULD HEAR, "DRINKS FOR EVERYONE IN HERE, BARTENDER, EXCEPT FOR THAT Rudeman SUPPORTER."

AFTER THE DRINKS WERE HANDED OUT THE Rudeman GUY GIVES THE CNN GUY A BIG SMILE, WAVES AT HIM AND SAYS, IN AN EQUALLY LOUD VOICE, "THANK YOU!"

THIS INFURIATES THE CNN REPORTER. SO HE ONCE AGAIN LOUDLY ORDERS DRINKS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT THE GUY WEARING THE Rudeman HAT. AS BEFORE, THIS DOESN'T SEEM TO BOTHER THE Rudeman GUY. HE JUST CONTINUES TO SMILE AND AGAIN YELLS, "THANK YOU!"

SO THE CNN GUY AGAIN LOUDLY ORDERS DRINKS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT THE Rudeman GUY. AND AGAIN THE Rudeman GUY JUST SMILES AND YELLS BACK, "THANK YOU!"

AT THAT POINT THE AGGRAVATED CNN REPORTER ASKS THE BARTENDER, "WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH THAT Rudeman SUPPORTER? I'VE ORDERED THREE ROUNDS OF DRINKS FOR EVERYONE IN THE BAR BUT HIM AND ALL THE SILLY ASS DOES IS SMILE AND THANK ME. IS HE NUTS?"

"NOPE," REPLIES THE BARTENDER. "HE OWNS THE PLACE."
 
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?

"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch"
 
Freddy69foryou said:
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?

"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch"
Click to expand...
PMSL!!! Oh my goodness!! This got me laughing a lot harder than I should've...
 
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire.
 
A pretty teacher was concerned with one of her students.

Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"
 
A hunter is sitting in a tree overlooking a clearing when a bear walks right out into the middle. The hunter takes aim and fires, the bear goes down. He leaps from his perch, rushes down the trail and into the clearing. The bear is gone. The hunter is tapped on the shoulder, he turns to see the bear who says,

"Alright hunter, you try to screw me, I'm going to screw you!"

The bear then throws the hunter against a tree, pulls his pants down and has his way with him.

The hunter, infuriated, goes to a gun shop and buys the biggest gun he can find and returns to his spot and waits until the bear appears again. He takes careful aim, fires and the bear goes down. Down the tree and through the trail he goes into the clearing only to find it empty. The hunter feels a tap on his shoulder and turns to see the bear who says, "You don't come here for the hunting, do you boy?"
 
A student was asked write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"
 
A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place.

They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says 'when I was young I contracted kneesles'. She says 'you mean measles'. He says 'no, I actually got kneesles'.

She shrugs and continues undressing. When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says 'shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio'. She says 'you mean polio?'. He says 'no, I got toelio'.

She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts. She looks again and says 'don't tell me - smallcox
 
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