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Deleted member 178467

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A good joke is a good intro. New member liking what I have seen.
 
An electrician dies in a car accident on his 50th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.
A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the electrician sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm an electrician?"
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"
The electrician is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be fifty."
"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up all your time sheets."
 
A friend said to me "what's your pet hate?"
I replied..
"He doesn't like things up his arse"
 
I went to the pub last night and I saw my old mate Brian, he was really looking sad and miserable.
"Hello Brian" I said, "What's with you."
"I'm fed with everything," he said. "I've had a very successful life, when I first started working I designed and made all the wardrobes in Buckingham Palace, do they call me Brian The Wardrobe Maker, NO!"
"After that I changed careers and helped invent a new quiet road surface that is now on the M25, M6 and M1, do they call me Brian The Road Builder, NO!
"From there I went on and started designing electric cars that can run for over 500 miles on one charge, did they call me Brian The Electric Maker, NO!
"You shag one sheep...!"
 
The son of a Red Chief Indian ask him how he named his sisters.
"Well," said the Chief, "When the first was born I took her out of the tepee held above my head and saw a deer running past so I called her Running Deer."
The son said, "Oh I see and what about my other sister?"
"Ah," said the Chief, "When she was born I took out of the tepee held her above my head and saw a large cloud against the blue sky so I called her White Cloud."
"Oh I see," said the son.
The Chief saw the son looking puzzled and said, "Why all the questions Two Dogs Shitting?"
 
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