Banter Why Are They Single?

He always wants to show the ladies that he bought a new pair of underwear just for their date. Now, of course, your first thought is, “Ok Fildo … you mean once they are in the bedroom and they are about to get it on.” No! That is not what I mean. I mean he drops his pants in the restaurants, movie theaters, ball games … you name it. Usually his dates are so embarrassed that they just leave which leaves Tom showing off his underwear to anybody that will pay attention. Good grief. It is Fruit of the Damn Loom underwear!!
 
Speaks to his dates about “magic” beans. How he has all these magic beans and nobody else has magic beans. Magic beans this and magic beans that. “What do these magic beans do?” They ask. “I would love to show you” he says. “What do I have to do to see them?” they ask. “Would you suck my cock?” He asks.
“Yeah … I don’t believe in fairy tales. Creep!”
And another one doesn’t get to see the magic beans.
 
Oddly enough, he pays only in gold doubloons. I think he fancies himself a real life swashbuckler or buccaneer. He doesn’t dress like one though or even talk like one. Until it’s time to lay the bill and all of a sudden he’s in pirate mode. “Perhaps these shiny coins be enough to satisfy thee, lassy”. Umm the waiter is a dude. “Aye … couldn’t tell without me one good eye”. Umm … you’re wearing a patch for absolutely no reason. “That be true matey. But I see better with me one eye covered”. Ummm … those “doubloons” are from the 25 cent machine down the street at the grocery store. They are plastic.
“Aye … so they be. I think we best make a hasty retreat from these scoundrels”. And they leave without paying their bill. He’s actually banned from most restaurants in his home town and the tri-county area.
 
She sits there and orders nothing for dinner. She agrees to go to a restaurant, where food is served, on a date, with another person who is interested in her … and doesn’t order food.
“Would you like an appetizer, Mary (name changed to protect her true identity. This is solely a reenactment of true events. Any similarities between the actor and real people is pure coincidence and should not be used in any defamation lawsuits. End legal disclosure)”
“No thank you. I’m not hungry.”
“Okay … we can skip right to the main course if you would like.”
“No. I’m just not feeling up to eating. I’ll watch you eat.”
“Ooooooooooooookay. I don’t feel…”
“ORDER SOMETHING!!!!! “
“You know what? I forgot I had dinner in the oven already. I’ll call you.”

And that is how they end.
 
He imagines the worst case scenario within minutes of seeing the date, almost feeling a compulsion for that scenario to become a reality
 
Because his dates are complete disasters. They are so bad, they could become the opening dialogue of Law and Order SVU.
“Dating disasters happen to people everyday. Dates with @Dublinscot are considered especially heinous (might be a little extreme). The people whose lives have been forever changed by these events are represented by a group of dedicated professionals called psychiatrists. These are their stories …”. *bum bum*.
Sounds like a hit in the making. ;)
 
Likes to play the “I think I’m having a heart attack” game whenever the bill comes. “What is this game”, you ask? The bill is brought to the table and he clutches his chest like he is having a heart problem. The paramedics come and take him away as everybody looks with sympathy on his date. As soon as they arrive at the hospital, he gets off the gurney, thanks the EMTs and walks off … clicking his heels. Another free meal!!
 
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