Adams girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of his motorcycle. He just rode on. Ruthless
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I'll be doing a book signing today at Barnes & Noble from 2pm until they kick me out for writing in random books.
Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!
How do you know if someone is hitchhiking or just complimenting your driving?
Don't be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that dogs can't fly.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected
I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it.
I love how in horror movies the person will ask, "Is anyone there?" Like the killer would say "Oh yeah I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"
People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician
Recent headline: Viagra shipment stolen, police are on the lookout for hardened criminals
Did you know Diarrhea is heredity, it runs in your jeans
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
When Miley Cyrus gets naked & licks a hammer it's "art" & "music". But when I do it, I'm "drunk" and "have to leave the hardware store".
Like the time (true story) when I lived in England, I had a card showing Jesus on the crucifix and on the back of it I'd written "I am a Roman Catholic. In case of an accident please contact a Priest." I was paying for a drink at the bar one night, guy beside me saw it and goes "Myself - I'd prefer a doctor or an ambulance maybe"!
When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".
Shout out to the people asking what the opposite of in is.
My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.
Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can't see.
Sign at the Urologist's office: URINE good hands. -
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