Did you hear about the vegan transgender? He was a herbefore.
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If you have a shitty job, you probably shouldn't lick your fingers at lunch time.
I used to be a kleptomaniac, but I took something for it
I dated a girl with a lazy eye once. It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.
Did you hear about the guy with 5 dicks? His pants fit him like a glove.
I became a vegetarian – switched to weed
Most of the guys on here are like hurricanes. Exciting at first, then end up in disaster
You’ll never believe who I bumped into on the way to the eye doctor.. everyone
Speaking of twins, if you have fraternal twins, does that mean they will end up in a sorority
If you conceive on a twin bed, does that mean you’ll have twins? I have a friend that swears he’s a queen.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they’d be bagels
I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly
I love the way the Earth rotates. It literally makes my day.
A teacher had trouble pronouncing a students name, so she spelled it. Hijkm. The student said it’s pronounced Noel
If they don't call the next Fast & Furious film "Fast10 Your Seatbelts" I'm going to be furious.
Every 60 seconds in America.. a minute passes
Have you heard about the two Irish gay guys? Henry Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzhenry
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic!
How can you tell which is the head nurse? The one with the dirty knees.
I ran into lamppost yesterday. Luckily, I only sustained light injuries
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