Jokes

[TallulahBlue]

[taking driver's test for license]

INSTRUCTOR: You missed a right.

ME: *blushing* Well, thank you, but don't you mean Ms. Right?

 

[TallulahBlue]

Sometimes wall painters don't think things through, and sometimes they have a wicked sense of humor.

Not sure which is the case here:

 

[CrystalMarker]

 

[TallulahBlue]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

[TallulahBlue]

DATE (knocking on bathroom door): You about done in there? I'm ready to start watching the Star Trek marathon together!

ME (stepping into the bathwater while holding a toaster): Yeah, I'm almost ready...

 

[TallulahBlue]

THERAPIST: You seem quiet today.

ME: I can't find my mood ring.

T: And how does that make you feel?

M: How the fuck would I know?

 

[TallulahBlue]

AIRLINE GATE AGENT: I'm sorry ma'am, but you can't take those on the flight.

ME: Oh it's okay, they're my therapy pizzas.

 

[TallulahBlue]

MY BOSS AT THE PSYCHIC HOTLINE: I'm sorry, but it isn't working out. I'm going to have to fire you.

ME: Wow, I didn't see that coming.

BOSS: And that's why I'm going to have to fire you.

 

[CrystalMarker]

 

[TallulahBlue]

Relationship Status:
( ) In a relationship
( ) Engaged
( ) Married
( ) Divorced
(x) On my third fucking cheesecake today, what do you think it is?

 

[TallulahBlue]

MENTOR: If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day...

ME: What about a woman?

MENTOR: It's just a saying. Anyway, if you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day...

ME: If you give a man a fish, you are really shitty at giving gifts.

MENTOR: I wasn't finished yet. But if you teach a man to fish, he will eat for a lifetime.

ME: Not if he can't cook.

MENTOR: *never mentors again*

 

[TallulahBlue]

[at a spelling bee]

PRONOUNCER: Your word is "embarrassing."

ME: Oh I don't mind, you can say it

P: No, your word is literally "embarrassing."

M: So it's like "cunt" or "twat" or something? Go ahead. I promise I won't laugh.

P:

M: *laughs anyway*

 

[TallulahBlue]

Tomato, To-mah-toe...

 

[CrystalMarker]

[at a spelling bee]

PRONOUNCER: Your word is "embarrassing."

ME: Oh I don't mind, you can say it

P: No, your word is literally "embarrassing."

M: So it's like "cunt" or "twat" or something? Go ahead. I promise I won't laugh.

P:

M: *laughs anyway*

LMFAO!

 

[TallulahBlue]

[playing hide-and-seek while babysitting]

ME: *hides in pantry*

KIDS: Ready or not, here we come!

ME: *three hours later I step out of the pantry when I hear their parents voices*

PARENTS: Where are our kids?

ME: Fuck if I know, but they suck at hide and seek.

PARENTS: Wha...? And where is all the food that was in our pantry?

 

[CrystalMarker]

 

[TallulahBlue]

ME: Come over.

HIM: I'm coming over.

ME: It's fun using walkie talkies in bed over.

 

[TallulahBlue]

[job interview with the police department]

CAPTAIN: What would you do if you found a pound of cocaine?

ME: I would do a lot of cocaine, amiright?!

C:

M: I take it I'm not right.

C:

M: So when do I start?

 

[TallulahBlue]

ME: Use your hands to pleasure me.

HER: *picks up phone and orders food*

ME: Yay! Thank you!

 

[Deleted member 178467]

ME: Use your hands to pleasure me.

HER: *picks up phone and orders food*

ME: Yay! Thank you!

Excellent!