Jokes
- Thread starter Mabal
- Start date
Wife: I really need more space.
Husband: No problem. And locks wife outside of the house.
Husband: No problem. And locks wife outside of the house.
TallulahBlue
Resident
[at a spelling bee]
PRONOUNCER: Your word is "copulation"
ME: I would like to use it in a sentence.
P: Wha...? We've been over this - that's not how it works. You ask me to use it in a sen....
M: "There are like 760,000 police officers in the United States, so therefore the copulation is just over three quarters of a million."
P: *drinks from flask* Just spell the goddamn word please.
M: P-L-E-A-S-E
P: *throws flask at my head*
PRONOUNCER: Your word is "copulation"
ME: I would like to use it in a sentence.
P: Wha...? We've been over this - that's not how it works. You ask me to use it in a sen....
M: "There are like 760,000 police officers in the United States, so therefore the copulation is just over three quarters of a million."
P: *drinks from flask* Just spell the goddamn word please.
M: P-L-E-A-S-E
P: *throws flask at my head*
So this one is very old and I will have to count on my shaky memory.
A travelling salesman is out on one of the back roads and his car breaks down. He has no way of getting it fixed this late and it's cold and he sees a farmhouse down the road. So he heads on down and knocks on the door. The old farmer comes to the door and the salesman explains his plight and just wants to have a warm place to sleep and promises to take care of his car first thing in the morning and be out of the farmers way. The farmer sizes him up a little and says," Okay, you can stay in the back room but I have a 19 yr old grand daughter who has never seen a man besides me. You have to promise not to try anything."
The salesman assures the farmer that he is much too tired and will do nothing inappropriate. Later in the evening, after the salesman has had a shower, he is in his room and removes his towel. He turns around and the young lady is standing there staring at him. She points at his penis and asks,"What is that thing?"
He answers her, "Well, miss, that is my chicken."
She says,"May I touch it?"
The salesman thinks back to his promise but being a man, of course figures, what the hell and agrees to let her touch him.
Several minutes later, the farmer is sitting in his chair smoking his pipe and hears blood curdling screams coming from the back room. He jumps up and gets back just in time to see the naked salesman running out the back door with flames shooting up from his crotch.
He sees his grand daughter standing there and asks her what happened.
She says," Well Poppa, he was standing there and said I could pet his chicken. Before I knew it, that damn chicken jumped up and spit some God awful stuff at me so I figured it was defective or something and I broke its neck, smashed both its eggs and lit its nest on fire."
A travelling salesman is out on one of the back roads and his car breaks down. He has no way of getting it fixed this late and it's cold and he sees a farmhouse down the road. So he heads on down and knocks on the door. The old farmer comes to the door and the salesman explains his plight and just wants to have a warm place to sleep and promises to take care of his car first thing in the morning and be out of the farmers way. The farmer sizes him up a little and says," Okay, you can stay in the back room but I have a 19 yr old grand daughter who has never seen a man besides me. You have to promise not to try anything."
The salesman assures the farmer that he is much too tired and will do nothing inappropriate. Later in the evening, after the salesman has had a shower, he is in his room and removes his towel. He turns around and the young lady is standing there staring at him. She points at his penis and asks,"What is that thing?"
He answers her, "Well, miss, that is my chicken."
She says,"May I touch it?"
The salesman thinks back to his promise but being a man, of course figures, what the hell and agrees to let her touch him.
Several minutes later, the farmer is sitting in his chair smoking his pipe and hears blood curdling screams coming from the back room. He jumps up and gets back just in time to see the naked salesman running out the back door with flames shooting up from his crotch.
He sees his grand daughter standing there and asks her what happened.
She says," Well Poppa, he was standing there and said I could pet his chicken. Before I knew it, that damn chicken jumped up and spit some God awful stuff at me so I figured it was defective or something and I broke its neck, smashed both its eggs and lit its nest on fire."
TallulahBlue
Resident
ME (singing): You are so beautiful .. to meee
ROOMMATE: Are you serenading the bacon with a corndog microphone?
ME (shutting fridge door): Well, you're home early.
ROOMMATE: Are you serenading the bacon with a corndog microphone?
ME (shutting fridge door): Well, you're home early.
TallulahBlue
Resident
*checking out*
CREDIT CARD READER: Would you like to donate $1.00 to a children's charity?
□ Y □ N
ME: *enters N*
CARD READER: WOW, seriously? Are you a selfish fucking cunt?
□ Y □ N
CREDIT CARD READER: Would you like to donate $1.00 to a children's charity?
□ Y □ N
ME: *enters N*
CARD READER: WOW, seriously? Are you a selfish fucking cunt?
□ Y □ N
D
Deleted member 178467
Guest
I walked into the Post Office on Monday only to notice an elderly bald tubby man sticking love stamps on bright pink envelopes & then spraying expensive perfume on each card.
I became curious, so I asked the man what is he doing as surely, he can’t have that many girlfriends.
The elderly man said, ‘I’m sending out 500 Valentines Day cards with the words, Guess Who, on them’.
‘But why’, I asked him.
I became curious, so I asked the man what is he doing as surely, he can’t have that many girlfriends.
The elderly man said, ‘I’m sending out 500 Valentines Day cards with the words, Guess Who, on them’.
‘But why’, I asked him.
D
Deleted member 178467
Guest
There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose....(yep, sure are)
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose....(yep, sure are)
A guy walking on the street, along a fence. He can hear 13....13...13...13..., Coming from the other side. To hight for him to look he keeps walking, 13...gets louder until he see a little hole to look and then I finger comes out and Push his eyeball! The guy backed up and started to hear 14..
14....14...14...
14....14...14...
Terrible weather to drive. A bus full of none goes to a church up in the mountains. The driver miss a turn, the bus down the hill, everybody dies... Because they are nones, they are on the way to heaven.
Before getting there they must be forgiven in the purgatory by the archangel Gabriel.
The first one approach and Gabriel ask:
Expiate your sins before entering heaven....
Sister Anna:"long ago I touch a man penis with my left hand".
Gabriel:"well,wash your hand in the Holly water and you can enter heaven".
Sister Elizabeth:" I did Very long ago touched it with both hands".
Well same for you....
Suddenly a sister coming from the back line runs and wash her face and mouth in the water.
Gabriel ask why she's in a hurry, and she answered.
"I wash my mouth before sister Mary washes her ass,!!
Before getting there they must be forgiven in the purgatory by the archangel Gabriel.
The first one approach and Gabriel ask:
Expiate your sins before entering heaven....
Sister Anna:"long ago I touch a man penis with my left hand".
Gabriel:"well,wash your hand in the Holly water and you can enter heaven".
Sister Elizabeth:" I did Very long ago touched it with both hands".
Well same for you....
Suddenly a sister coming from the back line runs and wash her face and mouth in the water.
Gabriel ask why she's in a hurry, and she answered.
"I wash my mouth before sister Mary washes her ass,!!
TallulahBlue
Resident
CAREER COUNSELOR: What really interests you?
ME: I want to be like Hemingway.
CC: Oh, so a writer?
ME: No, a raging alcoholic who lives on a boat.
ME: I want to be like Hemingway.
CC: Oh, so a writer?
ME: No, a raging alcoholic who lives on a boat.
A man and woman were married for 30 years. In those 30 years, they always had sex with the lights off. The husband was embarrassed that he couldn't please his wife, so he always used a big dildo on her. One day, the wife decided to reach over and turn the lights on and saw that her husband was using a dildo on her.
The wife says "I knew it asshole! Explain the dildo!"
The husband replies with "Explain the kids bitch!"
The wife says "I knew it asshole! Explain the dildo!"
The husband replies with "Explain the kids bitch!"
TallulahBlue
Resident
ME (gently brushing my girlfriend's hair out of her face as she sleeps): *whispers in her ear* It'll be okay baby. You're gonna hate your new haircut when you wake up, but you're also going to learn to never eat any of my Twinkies again.
TallulahBlue
Resident
[at group therapy]
THERAPIST: The point of this exercise is to demonstrate how we need to love ourselves from the inside out. Say your name and how you REALLY love your name spelled backwards. Kacey, you've been here longer than me and have done this many times, so you go first. Then just move clockwise.
ME: I'm Kacey and I REALLY love Yecak.
ERIN: I'm Erin and I REALLY love Nire.
MADISON: I'm Madison and I REALLY love Nosidam.
LANA: Yeah, can we play a different fuckin game?
THERAPIST: The point of this exercise is to demonstrate how we need to love ourselves from the inside out. Say your name and how you REALLY love your name spelled backwards. Kacey, you've been here longer than me and have done this many times, so you go first. Then just move clockwise.
ME: I'm Kacey and I REALLY love Yecak.
ERIN: I'm Erin and I REALLY love Nire.
MADISON: I'm Madison and I REALLY love Nosidam.
LANA: Yeah, can we play a different fuckin game?
TallulahBlue
Resident
[on the scale at the doctor's office]
NURSE: I thought you said that you were going to eat a lot better.
ME: No, I said I was going to eat a lot of butter.
NURSE: I thought you said that you were going to eat a lot better.
ME: No, I said I was going to eat a lot of butter.
D
Deleted member 178467
Guest
That's good.