Jokes

Three guys die in car accident and wind up in hell. They realize where they are at and find the Devil. They plead with him, "please let us go to heaven!" The devil comes up with an idea. He points at a huge escalater with some of the most beautiful, hottest women you have ever seen! He says you see that escalater? If you can make it up to heaven without engaging in ANY sexual activitie with any of these women then you are free to go. But if you do the nasty with any of them, then I am going to do to you something that your job on earth is related to. The first guy goes and fucks the first chick so the devil asks what his job was. " A mechanic" he replies. So the devil rips his dick off with pliers. The second guy goes and fucks the chick in the very middle. " A carpenter" he replies. So the devil saws his dick off. The final guy goes and makes it to the very top when he screws the last chick. The devil asks "Well you know the drill, what was you job?" and the guy just starts laughing his ass off! Furious, the devil asks him why he is laughing and the guy replies " I'm a fucking blow pop tester!"
 
Two hillbillies walk into a bar to wash the dust from their throats and grab a beer. They are standing at the bar drinking their beers and talking about current cattle prices when all of a sudden a woman at a nearby table, who was eating a sandwich, begins to choke. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The women violently shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" the other asks. The women doesn't answer begins to turn blue. The hillbilly then runs up behind her, lifts up her dress, yanks down her panties and runs his tounge all over her ass in a circular motion until finally the woman becomes shocked and it send her into a violent spasm and the obstruction flys from her mouth. As she begins to breathe, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. The other hillbilly says to his friend, "Ya know? I'd heard of that there HIND LICK MANEUVER, but, I aint ever seen nobody do it.
 
CrystalMarker said:
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairygodmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..."
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Pumpkin Eater
 
A drunk man walks in a bathroom at a local bar and sees a small man taking a leak.The little man says "Hi, I'm a leprechaun and it's your lucky day. You seem like a nice person so I'm going to give you three wishes." The man raises his brow and replies "I want a big house." " Done! When you get home your house will be the most beautiful mansion you have ever seen. Next wish please." "I want a beautiful wife." "Done! When you get home you will have an unbelievably beautiful wife. Now your last wish." " I want a large penis." The small man looks at the stranger and says "For that I must have sex with you." He agreed and drops his pants, so the little man started going to town. The man cheerfully said "I can't believe I'm going to have a big dick!" the little man replied "I can't believe you think I'm a leprechaun!"
 
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.

Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”

“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.

Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!”
 
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