Jokes
- Thread starter Mabal
- Start date
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."
C
Calazviel
Guest
A man who just died is taken to the local mortuary. He is wearing an very expensive and high quality tailored blue suit.
The mortician asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would like the body to be dressed.
The mortician says that the man does look very distinguished in the blue suit he is already wearing.
His widow, however, says that she always preferred her husband in black, and that she would like him in a black suit.
She gives the mortician a signed, blank cheque and says, ‘Spend whatever you need no matter what the cost, but please have my husband in a well tailored black suit for the viewing.’
The woman returns the next day for the viewing and to her delight, her husband dressed in a fabulous black suit. The suit fits him as if it were tailor made.
She says to the mortician, ‘You have done a magnificent job and I’m very pleased and grateful. How much did the suit cost?’
To her amazement, the mortician gives her back the blank cheque.
‘There’s no charge,’ she says.
‘No, really, I must repay you for the cost of that exquisite black suit!’ she says.
‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the mortician says, ‘it cost me nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in yesterday shortly after you left, he was dressed in a very attractive black suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a beautifully tailored blue suit instead, and she said it did not make any difference as long as he looked good…
'So I just swapped their heads.'
The mortician asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would like the body to be dressed.
The mortician says that the man does look very distinguished in the blue suit he is already wearing.
His widow, however, says that she always preferred her husband in black, and that she would like him in a black suit.
She gives the mortician a signed, blank cheque and says, ‘Spend whatever you need no matter what the cost, but please have my husband in a well tailored black suit for the viewing.’
The woman returns the next day for the viewing and to her delight, her husband dressed in a fabulous black suit. The suit fits him as if it were tailor made.
She says to the mortician, ‘You have done a magnificent job and I’m very pleased and grateful. How much did the suit cost?’
To her amazement, the mortician gives her back the blank cheque.
‘There’s no charge,’ she says.
‘No, really, I must repay you for the cost of that exquisite black suit!’ she says.
‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the mortician says, ‘it cost me nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in yesterday shortly after you left, he was dressed in a very attractive black suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a beautifully tailored blue suit instead, and she said it did not make any difference as long as he looked good…
'So I just swapped their heads.'
C
Calazviel
Guest
So a pianist and his girlfriend go on a date to a restaurant. They both order some exquisite and expensive food, and when it comes time to play their bill, the girlfriend offers to pay. Problem is, she forgot all her money and she asks if the pianist can pay for it. “I can’t,” he says. “I’m Baroque.”
C
Calazviel
Guest
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp. Intrigued by his discovery, he proceeds to rub the lamp and before his very eyes, a genie appears.
"I have finally been released from my slumber and now I shall grant you three wishes in return. choose wisely!" The genie says.
The man considers his deepest desires and replies "Well firstly, I wish I was disgustingly wealthy. Secondly, I wish I had a gigantic house. And finally, I wish I had a beautiful brunette wife". The genie snaps his fingers and just like that, the man is teleported.
The man wakes up in a magnificent king-sized bed. His eyes stroll around the room where he finds himself surrounded by countless exquisite antiquities and treasures by the likes of which he has never seen. Suddenly, a gorgeous brunette with a dreamy body and fancy clothes barges into the room and says "You better get up Franz, we need to be in Sarajevo by noon"
"I have finally been released from my slumber and now I shall grant you three wishes in return. choose wisely!" The genie says.
The man considers his deepest desires and replies "Well firstly, I wish I was disgustingly wealthy. Secondly, I wish I had a gigantic house. And finally, I wish I had a beautiful brunette wife". The genie snaps his fingers and just like that, the man is teleported.
The man wakes up in a magnificent king-sized bed. His eyes stroll around the room where he finds himself surrounded by countless exquisite antiquities and treasures by the likes of which he has never seen. Suddenly, a gorgeous brunette with a dreamy body and fancy clothes barges into the room and says "You better get up Franz, we need to be in Sarajevo by noon"
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
This is absolutely hilarious!
Two cannibals killed a hunter, boiled him in their cauldron, then put him on the table.
First cannibal: " I'll start eating him from the head and work my way down. U start at his feet and work your way up."
After a few minutes, the first cannibal asks, " How u doing down there? " Second cannibal says, " I'm having a ball! " First cannibal says, " You're eating too fast!"
First cannibal: " I'll start eating him from the head and work my way down. U start at his feet and work your way up."
After a few minutes, the first cannibal asks, " How u doing down there? " Second cannibal says, " I'm having a ball! " First cannibal says, " You're eating too fast!"
A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered
around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
'Mother,' the nuns asked with earnest, 'please give us some wisdom before you die.'
She raised herself up in bed and said, 'Don't sell that cow!!'
around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
'Mother,' the nuns asked with earnest, 'please give us some wisdom before you die.'
She raised herself up in bed and said, 'Don't sell that cow!!'
A blind guy sits down in a diner and says to the waiter, "I'm sorry, but I’m blind and I can't read the menu. So just bring me a dirty fork, I'll smell it, and order from there."
The waiter picks up a greasy fork, and hands it to the blind guy. The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, breathes deep, and says, "Ah...that's what I'll have...meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
The waiter can't believe it, and he goes and tells his wife, Joan, who's the cook.
The next day the blind guy walks in and the waiter says, "I'll get you a dirty fork."
He gets a dirty fork, hands it to the blind guy, the blind guy smells it, and says,"That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
The waiter thinks the blind guy is bullshitting with him, so the next day when the blind guy walks in, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, "Joan, rub this fork on your crotch." She does it, and then he goes out and hands it to the blind guy.
The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Are you kidding me? I didn't know Joan worked here!"
The waiter picks up a greasy fork, and hands it to the blind guy. The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, breathes deep, and says, "Ah...that's what I'll have...meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
The waiter can't believe it, and he goes and tells his wife, Joan, who's the cook.
The next day the blind guy walks in and the waiter says, "I'll get you a dirty fork."
He gets a dirty fork, hands it to the blind guy, the blind guy smells it, and says,"That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
The waiter thinks the blind guy is bullshitting with him, so the next day when the blind guy walks in, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, "Joan, rub this fork on your crotch." She does it, and then he goes out and hands it to the blind guy.
The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Are you kidding me? I didn't know Joan worked here!"
C
Calazviel
Guest
A blind guy sits down in a diner and says to the waiter, "I'm sorry, but I’m blind and I can't read the menu. So just bring me a dirty fork, I'll smell it, and order from there."
The waiter picks up a greasy fork, and hands it to the blind guy. The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, breathes deep, and says, "Ah...that's what I'll have...meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
The waiter can't believe it, and he goes and tells his wife, Joan, who's the cook.
The next day the blind guy walks in and the waiter says, "I'll get you a dirty fork."
He gets a dirty fork, hands it to the blind guy, the blind guy smells it, and says,"That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
The waiter thinks the blind guy is bullshitting with him, so the next day when the blind guy walks in, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, "Joan, rub this fork on your crotch." She does it, and then he goes out and hands it to the blind guy.
The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Are you kidding me? I didn't know Joan worked here!"
Dude I'm cracking up here
After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife Edith for his Young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi million dollar home. Since the man’s lawyers were a little better than his wife’s, he prevailed.
He gave Edith, his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.
On the 2nd day she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table. There by candlelight she put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and all the carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters. During this time they had to move out for a few days. They even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house. The Maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was… he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi million dollar home. Since the man’s lawyers were a little better than his wife’s, he prevailed.
He gave Edith, his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.
On the 2nd day she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table. There by candlelight she put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and all the carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters. During this time they had to move out for a few days. They even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house. The Maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was… he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her E-mail address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile ... Somewhere in Houston ... A widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her E-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I have arrived!
Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send E-mail to your loved ones.
I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS . It sure is freakin' hot down here!
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her E-mail address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile ... Somewhere in Houston ... A widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her E-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I have arrived!
Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send E-mail to your loved ones.
I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS . It sure is freakin' hot down here!
Masochist: "Hurt Me!"
Sadist: "I won't."
Sadist: "I won't."