Jokes

Freddy69foryou said:
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________
Click to expand...

This one..

Stop I'm gunna pee.jpg

Ls x
 
Freddy69foryou said:
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.
Click to expand...

cant×stop×laughing.jpg
 
Last edited:
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the Maid.

So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: "Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches", and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the Maid's bed. She switched the lights off.

When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her....

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?"

And then she switched on the light...

"No madam", said the Gardener.
 
Freddy69foryou said:
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the Maid.

So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: "Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches", and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the Maid's bed. She switched the lights off.

When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her....

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?"

And then she switched on the light...

"No madam", said the Gardener.
Click to expand...
yep-thats-a-burn-meme.jpg
 
There were three men who were lost in the forest. They wound up being captured by cannibals.

The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial.

First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather
their fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained
the trial to him.

You have to shove all the fruits you gathered and shove them up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and eaten....

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore he also was killed and eaten.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those pineapples!"
 
Freddy69foryou said:
There were three men who were lost in the forest. They wound up being captured by cannibals.

The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial.

First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather
their fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained
the trial to him.

You have to shove all the fruits you gathered and shove them up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and eaten....

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore he also was killed and eaten.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those pineapples!"
Click to expand...
cant×stop×laughing.jpg
 
A 12yr old boy asks his father: Hey dad can you buy me a bicycle?

Dads response: Son the economy is very bad we're broke and besides we have a $280,000 mortgage on the house.

The next day the kid has his suitcase packed and walking out the front door.

Father confronts him: where do think your going?

Sons response: Well last night I walked by your bedroom door and heard you yell I'm pulling out, then I heard mommy scream I'm coming too!

Well if you guys think your gona take off and stick me with a $280,000 MORTGAGE, YOUR CRAZY!!!!!!!
 
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls. However, do they know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.
 
83 year old Mr. Jones is planning to marry a 60 year old widower named Mrs. Smith. She worries that he might have a stroke or a heart attack if they have sex. So he goes to a doctor and tells him he needs an examination and a letter saying he's healthy enough for sex. The doctor examines him and finds him to be in great shape, and writes the letter. He shows it to Mr. Jones to see if it's what he needs. It says:

Dear Mrs. Smith,
Mr. Jones is not only healthy enough to have sex, he could have sex 10 times a day if he wants to. He's as strong and virile as a 23 year old with great stamina. You have nothing to fear.

Mr. Jones looks at the letter, pleased at first then frowns slightly. The doctor asks him what's wrong and he answers "Well, could you change it slightly?" "Sure," says the doctor, "what would you like to be different?" "Well, instead of "Dear Mrs. Smith, could you make it say 'To Whom It May Concern?"
 
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her Grandmother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, Grandpa" she says excitedly "as soon as Grandma comes into the room, can you please please please make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog......pleeeaaassseee. Because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!?

Ls x
 
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything".
"That's quite a coincidence" said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything".

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

Ls x
 
A man comes home from work one day and says to his wife “One of my coworkers said that he'd heard that our milkman has apparently slept with every woman on the block except one”
His wife replies: “I bet it's that stuck up hussy that lives up the hill on the corner”
 
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it means that you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. ' Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new, 'says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it means that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $250 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You havent had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month but I fart 15 times a day.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top