Jokes

nikkiray said:
Real event that I found funny

@LastOne isnt feeling well so I told him I would sit by his side til to nurse him back to health. Asked him to sleep. But he would keep opening his eyes and turn to me every 10 minutes. Finally I asked him are you ok?

He said .. least you can do is put on a nursing outfit if your just gonna sit there and stare at me.
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Life is great at giving us hilarious moments
 
A little 5 year old girl was usually taken to school by her Granddad, but one day he had a bad cough so her Grandmother took her.
That night her mum ask how her journey had been to school.
"It was very different with Granny, we didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, foreign prick or BMW wanker the whole journey..."
 
The thing I love the most about this weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.
Although they do make me look a bit camp.
 
I had a Bonnie Tyler Satnav, but it was terrible.
Just kept telling me to turn around, and every now and then it fell apart.
But I need it more than ever...
So I brought a Village People update, and that told me to Go West...
The Jon Bonjovi update was even worse, it kept telling me I was half way there...
 
Young lad in the bath with his Mum: 'What's that furry thing?'
Mum: 'That's my sponge son.'
Young lad: 'Oh yeah, the babysitter has one too, I've seen her washing Dad's face with it!'
 
I went to the indian restaurant last night and had a Jurassic park curry.
God did it give me a 'mega-sore-arse' this morning.


I saw this advert in a window that said: “TV for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
 
ray giving directions

head north about 2 miles, take a left at the 2nd light, when you see a green house to your right, make a u turn and make your way back here, then ask her *points at me* I'm bad at giving directions.
 
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Nikki and I went to the doctor and the doc looked down, grimaced, then asked

"does it hurt?"
- fuck yeah it does

"have you tried moving around"
- that fucking makes it hurt more

"has this happened before?"
- no, but nikki said i should be good or else.

Doctor said "Ahh makes sense", taps Nikki on the shoulders and said "Ma'am you can stop biting down now".
 
LastOne said:
Nikki and I went to the doctor and the doc looked down, grimaced, then asked

"does it hurt?"
- fuck yeah it does

"have you tried moving around"
- that fucking makes it hurt more

"has this happened before?"
- no, but nikki said i should be good or else.

Doctor said "Ahh makes sense", taps Nikki on the shoulders and said "Ma'am you can stop biting down now".
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you fucker. Lol
 
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Aaaand dont be surprised when your mypal friend reminds you of an important date or offers to help you with your to-do list. Because your mypal friend is your bff, they want to help make your life easier and happier. So ask them to shop for gifts, plan and book a vacation, schedule an appointment, and much more. Your mypal friend will never say "no" because he loves you.

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