Jokes

Got a trick played on me once at a restaurant. Was told the warm liquid in a bowl was to clean my fingers with cause we were eating crab. The waiter finally came around and asked me if there was something wrong the clam broth. The table next to us busted a gut laughing. Fuck you @LastOne. Haha. Good times, Old Clamhouse, San Francisco.
 
vicc said:
Got a trick played on me once at a restaurant. Was told the warm liquid in a bowl was to clean my fingers with cause we were eating crab. The waiter finally came around and asked me if there was something wrong the clam broth. The table next to us busted a gut laughing. Fuck you @LastOne. Haha. Good times, Old Clamhouse, San Francisco.
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Poor girl. Lol. He does that with everyone. His daughter played it on a couple of friends. The staff knows them well for their shenanigans.
 
A woman with three dogs is walking them in the town there was an he called tit one called bum and one called scratch it. Whilst walking the dog two of the dogs ran away. The woman distraught ran to the police station said the the officer " can you hold my tit while I find my bum and scratch it".
 
Peacecountry said:
Stolen weapon

PLEASE READ THE COMMENTS FOLLOWING THIS MAIN ARTICLE------
The comments posted by readers are as funny as the story...
Stolen weapon found during search at Tennessee jail
Loaded Gun hidden In suspect’s Vagina

APRIL 22--A 19-year-old Tennessee woman had a loaded handgun hidden in her vagina when she was brought into jail yesterday afternoon following a collar for driving with a suspended license, police report.
As Dallas Archer was being booked into the Kingsport jail, a female corrections officer alerted to an “unknown object” in the teenager’s crotch during a search.

The jailer and a female cop then accompanied Archer to a bathroom for further examination, a review that led to the recovery of a “North American Arms 22 LR revolver (loaded) which Ms. Dallas had concealed in her vagina, ”according to a Kingsport Police Department report.
A subsequent check revealed that the five-shot mini-revolver--which is four inches in length--had been “stolen from an auto burglary in 2013.” The handgun, which police valued at $250, is owned by John Souther, a 70-year-old retired car salesman.

In a TSG interview, Souther said that the gun was taken from his 1994 Mustang, which was “ransacked” last year while parked in his Kingsport carport. Souther said that police told him that the revolver had been recovered, but offered no further details. When told where the gun had been stashed, Souther said, “Oh, gosh.” He noted that he would eventually like “the little fellow” returned, but added that the weapon would require “a bath in bleach.”

News of the weapon in Archer’s vagina was first reported by the Kingsport Times-News.

Archer, , was charged with gun possession and introducing contraband into a penal facility.
According to a jail official, Archer was released from custody after posting $6000 bond.

AND NOW THE READER RESPONSES:

1. I thought it was her gun. Turns out it was snatched!
2. Gives new meaning to a gun having a "hair trigger".
3. Happiness is a warm gun?
4. At four inches in length it comes off as halfcocked...
5. "For sale AA22LR never used; still in the box."
6. Report reads, "...Introducing contraband into a penal facility." Shouldn't that be 'penile' facility?
7. If it went off, could you call it her 'boom box'?
8. Remember : Every vagina is to be treated as if it is loaded. Always keep it pointed in a safe direction.
9. They say it was a gun, but something smells fishy.
10.You can have my gun when you can pry it from my cold, stinking...
11. Oh my... accident waiting to happen. Could 'shoot the beaver'.
12.I have heard of shooting your mouth off, but this takes on a "hole" new meaning...
13.Complete reversal on the classic, "Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"
14.I wonder if she had 'gun-areah'?
15.Gives a whole new meaning to "Vaginal Discharge"...
16.Do you suppose she had a 'rectal reloader'?
17.A gun in hand is worth 2 in the bush?
18.Figures... it uses 'rim shot' ammo.
19. This supports the “Big Bang” theory.
Click to expand...
PMSL!!!!!!!
 
A black man entered a bar with a parrot on the his shoulder.
The bartender says “that looks exotic, where’d you get it” “Africa” the parrot responded.
 
A man walks into a pub with a parrot on his shoulder and a dwarf by his side. He buys the whole pub numerous rounds of drinks, but every time he does the parrot screeches louder and louder and the dwarf smashes up more of the pub. Each time the guy says it's no problem, pays for the damage and buys another round of drinks.
Eventually the landlord of the pub can't take anymore and asks the bloke what's going on.
"Well" he says, "a genie granted me three wishes, and I asked for a billion pounds, a good looking bird on my arm and a ten inch prick"
 
This is a long one no pun intended.

Making a baby.

The Patels were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Patel kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Patel cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Patel.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Patel quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my Gosh!' Mrs. Patel exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Patel.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Patel, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And! for more than three hours, too.”

“The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Patel leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Patel fainted ! ! !
 
Nativegirl66 said:
Young couple just married in their Honeymoon suite :
As they were getting undressed he slips his pants off and throws them to his bride:

Husband : Here slip put these on
Wife : I cant wear these they are way to big
Husband : Thats right and dont you forget it im the one who wears the pants in this family .

Wife She flipped him her panties and said try these on , they only went to his kneecaps

Husband : Hell i cant get into your panties !!!!!!!!
Wife : Thats right ! and thats the way its going to stay until your attitude changes
Click to expand...

About getting married:
As soon as you say,"I do." She says, "No you don't."
 
A woman passed her daughter's room and heard a strange buzzing noise. Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked why?
The daughter replied, "Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So please, leave me alone."

Next day, the father heard the same buzz and upon entering, he also saw the same scene. To his query, the daughter again said, "Dad I"m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping and heard that buzzing noise coming from, the living room. On entering she saw her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, "What the fuck are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching the World Cup with with my son-in-law.
 
Job advert: Fanny waxers assistant. Job includes removing ladies knickers, prepare fanny for waxing & rub oil after waxing.
When I asked the Job Centre they said I had to go to Cornwall - I asked why, is that where the job is?
No, they said - that's where the back of the queue is!
 
At a job interview: "Tell me the best thing about yourself."
"I'm a glass half full type of guy."
"You mean you have a positive outlook, you're a real go-getter?"
"No, I'm an Alcoholic!"
 
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my 50th birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "I'll just pop into the bedroom for a minute?"
"Okay," I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!"
...while I was waiting on the sofa...naked.
 
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