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london60
Guest
What is the difference between Bono from U2 and God?
God doesn't think that he's Bono...
God doesn't think that he's Bono...
Jokes
- Thread starter Mabal
- Start date
A man to a psychiatrist: "How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?" The psychiatrist replies: "We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub". The man smiles: "Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket". The Psychiatrist replies: "No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?"
Ls x
Ls x
An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"
Ls x
Ls x
I heard my wheelchair bound neighbour was competing in the upcoming Paralympics so I popped round to wish him luck.
His wife told me he was training in the back garden, so I let myself through the side gate, and saw him in his wheelchair wearing his Olympic vest and shorts.
I watched him for a bit as he sat there counting to 3 before smacking himself in the forehead with a ping pong bat, over and over again "1-2-3 ...*whack*... 1-2-3 ...*whack*..."
When he stopped, I said "Ummm that seems like a strange way to train for table tennis...?"
He replied "Nah, I'm in the 110 metre hurdles ".
Ls x
His wife told me he was training in the back garden, so I let myself through the side gate, and saw him in his wheelchair wearing his Olympic vest and shorts.
I watched him for a bit as he sat there counting to 3 before smacking himself in the forehead with a ping pong bat, over and over again "1-2-3 ...*whack*... 1-2-3 ...*whack*..."
When he stopped, I said "Ummm that seems like a strange way to train for table tennis...?"
He replied "Nah, I'm in the 110 metre hurdles ".
Ls x
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Smeghead
Guest
How do you confuse an Irishman?
Put three spades in front of him and tell him to take his pick.
Put three spades in front of him and tell him to take his pick.
Sleeping with Bob...
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing. Hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy - a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom...
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing. Hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy - a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom...
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Smeghead
Guest
How do you confuse an idiot?
Tell them to sit in the corner of a round room.
Tell them to sit in the corner of a round room.
How Does A Bow And Arrow Masturbate?
It Jerks Its Shaft
It Jerks Its Shaft
LMFAO!!!
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The older one leaned over and said, ''Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For £10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!''
''You're on!'' said the other old lady, holding up a £10.00 note.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
''What happened?'' asked her waiting friend.
''I won £1000 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'.''
The older one leaned over and said, ''Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For £10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!''
''You're on!'' said the other old lady, holding up a £10.00 note.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
''What happened?'' asked her waiting friend.
''I won £1000 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'.''
A young manager was leaving the office late one evening when he saw the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in her hand. "Listen" said the CEO "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly!" said the young manager. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as her paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy.
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Ls x
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied "I'm drawing God". The teacher paused and said "But no one knows what God looks like". Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied "They will in a minute".
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Deleted member 178467
Guest
The minister for sport in India was invited to London to watch the London Marathon. He was so impressed with the great sporting spectacle, that he decided to implement it in India.
On his return, he called a meeting with his staff and put it to them. His idea was met with great negativity.
“There are just too many people in this country.” Said one of his advisors. “It would be a massive safety risk having hundreds of thousands running the streets!”
“Ok” he replied, “let’s start small and work up-what would be an ideal number to start?”
“I think we should start small-say 500 People the first year, then build from there!” His advisor recommended.
“Right, so what group can we target? How about teenagers?”
“Bad choice, there are over 150 million teenagers”
“How about civil servants?”
“About 100 million of them!”
“Jesus Christ! Ok, what do we have about 500 of?”
“Retired palace eunuchs!” Came the reply.
“Ok, eunuchs it is then! So what the hell do we call it?
“How about THE INDIAN KNACKERLESS 500!”
On his return, he called a meeting with his staff and put it to them. His idea was met with great negativity.
“There are just too many people in this country.” Said one of his advisors. “It would be a massive safety risk having hundreds of thousands running the streets!”
“Ok” he replied, “let’s start small and work up-what would be an ideal number to start?”
“I think we should start small-say 500 People the first year, then build from there!” His advisor recommended.
“Right, so what group can we target? How about teenagers?”
“Bad choice, there are over 150 million teenagers”
“How about civil servants?”
“About 100 million of them!”
“Jesus Christ! Ok, what do we have about 500 of?”
“Retired palace eunuchs!” Came the reply.
“Ok, eunuchs it is then! So what the hell do we call it?
“How about THE INDIAN KNACKERLESS 500!”
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Deleted member 178467
Guest
My mate told me that his wife could do with losing a few pounds
So I mugged her.
So I mugged her.
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Deleted member 178467
Guest
If I make you breakfast in bed, A simple' Thank you'and knowing you are enjoying it is all I need.
Not all this 'Who are you & what are you doing in my house?, im calling the police?Nonsense.
Not all this 'Who are you & what are you doing in my house?, im calling the police?Nonsense.