Jokes

I went to the doctor's because of my Alcohol problem.
"How many units do you drink in a day?" said the doctor
I replied, "How much is a unit?"
He said, "Half a pint."
I said, "Oh great, in that case none."
"None?" the doctor said puzzled
I said, "Yeah, I don't drink halves."
 
The European economy explained...

Paddy bought a donkey from a framer for €100. The farmer agreed to drop the donkey off the next morning.
The next day the farmer knocked a the door and said “I’ve got some bad news, the Donkey’s dead”
“That’s Ok” said Paddy “Just give me my €100 back and I’ll buy another one”.
“I can’t” said the farmer, “I’ve already spent it”.
“Ok then, bring me the dead donkey” Said Paddy.
“What are you going to do with a dead donkey?” asked the farmer.
“I’ll raffle him off” Paddy replied.
“Who’s going to buy tickets to win a dead donkey?”
“Don’t worry, I won’t tell them he’s dead” said Paddy.
So, the farmer delivered the dead donkey to Paddy, and went on his way.

A month later, the farmer bumped into Paddy in the town. “How did you get on with that donkey?” asked the farmer.
“Oh fantastic” said Paddy “I made €898 profit from him!”
“How come?” asked the farmer “Weren’t the people upset when they found out the donkey was dead?”
“Oh, only the winner was, so I refunded him the €2 ticket price.”

Paddy now heads the Bank of Ireland!
 
Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and fell head over heels for each other. When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic--he immediately asked her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed took Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. He was convinced she was his soul mate. Every date was better than the last. On the one month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant. as they enjoyed cocktails and waited for their salad, Ed said. " I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you, but I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues.

It's only fair to warn you , I'm a total golf nut -- I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV -- In short, I eat, sleep and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Linda paused, but then responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I Love you as you are, and I love golf too; but, since we are being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."


Ed paused for awhile, and then said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight down when you hit the ball."
 
Little Tommy the wild kid of the class finally answers a question correctly.

The teacher says " good boy Tommy, come up and get your sweetie"

"I don't fucking want one miss."

Shocked, Miss takes Tommy to the Heads Office and explains the situation.

The Head asks Tommy to explain why he said what he said.

He answers, "I don't fucking want one"

Shocked, the Head call in Tommy's mother, explains the situation and asks Tommy to tell his mother why he said what he said.

Tommy answers, " I don't fucking want one"

Shocked at Tommys continued swearing the Head asks Tommys mother what she thinks they should do.

Tommys mother answers, "if he doesn't fucking want one, don't fucking give him one"
 
One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat.
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband, [the complainer] said, “OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.”
My husband and my vet don’t like each other. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other.
Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor’s office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband, “Your wife’s pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she’s pregnant. God knows who the father is!”
And he closed the door.
 
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

And I thought to myself, "I'm really need a new boat, but at least I've got my life jacket on."
 
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
proclaims:
"If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says:
"If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile:
"If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex"
There is total silence. The Vicar, blushing, asks her:
"Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide while his wife
replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘F#@k him"
 
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday surprise.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and
bringsover a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms round Dave,and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real
bitch tonight, Dave."
 
FIRST CONDOM
I recall my first time with a condom. I was just 17, and I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Ehrlich's Drugstore. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt
the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, not really."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. Apparently, I still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was. "Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. "Well, come on," she said. "We don’t have much time."

So I climbed onto her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" she asked. I said, "Sure did, and held up my thumb to show her." That's when she beat the livingshit out of me.

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.
 
Maybe some of you guys can relate to this. Getting older is tough...


A 71-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm sample as part of his annual exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 71-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing' Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing ...'

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor ?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Sad to grow old.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top