Jokes

3 mice sitting around and start taking about who is the biggest and baddest ofv them all. The first mouse says "I've been through 50 mouse traps, got the cheese ave ain't been caught yet!". The second exclaims "that's nothing I've ate about 100 boxes of decon and I'm still here!". The third mouse stands up and starts walking off. His buddies jeer and laugh "oh come in you gotta have something. Where are you running off to?". The third mouse looks over his shoulder and yells Back "I'm going to fuck the cat again, wanna join me?"
 
Guy at the bar is well past lit. Walked up to the barkeep and says "I'll tell ya what... I'll bet you $5000 that i can piss into a shot glass from across the bar and not get adrop anywhere but the glass." The barkeep laughs and tells the guy he's drink and to go home but the drunkard persists and slaps 5k in cash down in the bar. The barkeep Finally gives in and the drunk walls across the room, whips it out and processes to piss all over the bar. As the drunk walks past the barkeep, who is cointing his money, he smiles and thanks the barkeep for the bet and odd laughing. The barkeep stops the drink and asks him "why would you make such a stupid bet and why are you laughing??" The drunk pulse out a big wad of cash and proclaims "the man over there in the corner bet me $15000 that i couldn't piss all over you bar without you getting mad at me!".
 
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
 
Secrets to Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then You Are Probably...
The Family Dog!

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ....

Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or play with it, Pee on it and walk away.
 
Kris1973 said:
Secrets to Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then You Are Probably...
The Family Dog!

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ....

Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or play with it, Pee on it and walk away.
Click to expand...
Yes! This is absolutely hilarious!
 
My girlfriend accidentally hit our cat with her car.
The poor thing was asleep on the couch at the time.

At lunch, my wife asked “What would you do I if won the lottery?”
I replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.”
“Great,” she said “I won £25 yesterday. Here’s £12.50. Take care!”
 
There are 3 people in an Irish pub late one night in New York City: the bartender, and two older guys sitting at each end of the bar. One of the guys at the end of the bar turns towards the other and says, in an Irish brogue, "Say, you must be from Ireland." The second guy, who also has the Irish accent, turns and says "Oh really? What gave it away? Was it the freckles? The red hair? Or the crooked nose? Gee, Sherlock Holmes is alive and well here in New York City!" The first guy replies, "No, no. You have me all wrong. I'm from Ireland too, and I love getting to know my fellow Irishmen here in the the states. What county are you from?" The second guy says, "Well, I'm from County Mayo." The first guy gasps, and replies "I'm from County Mayo too! What town." The second guy says "Fuck off! I'm not telling you", but the first guy begs him until he says, "Fine. I'm from Ballyglass." The first guy gasps again, and replies, "Why, I'm from Ballyglass too! What street?" And this continues on.

The phone rings and the bartender picks it up, "Hey boss... Nah, quiet night. The usual bullshit. The Rowan twins are piss drunk again..."
 
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He proclaims that he'll bet anyone that the octopus can play any instrument they give him. One guy bets $100 that the octopus can't play the piano. The guy with the octopus sets it down on at the bar piano, and the octopus plays better than Liberace. Another guy bets $200 dollars that the octopus can't play the trumpet. They give one to the octopus, and it plays better than Miles Davis. A Scotsman says "I'll bet ye $500 that he can't play the bagpipes!" The Scotsman hands the octopus a set of bagpipes, and the octopus starts to fumble around with it. The Scotsman starts to laugh, and proclaims "I told ye! The wee bastard can't play 'em!" The octopus looks up and says to the Scotsman, "Play them? Why would I do that? When I find out how to get these pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck their brains out!"
 
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