Jokes

Freddy69foryou said:
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
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Click to expand...

I posted this one just a couple of pages back. :)
Plagiarist.. :D

Ls x
 
An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."
 
A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg. The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg.

She immediately says, "Father, remember Psalm 129".

The priest says sorry and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on when he changes gear and has ogled at her leg for the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again. The Nun once again says,

"Father remember Psalm 129".

Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up Psalm 129 and it said,

"GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY"

Moral of the Story: In your job should always be well informed or you may miss a great opportunity.
 
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are seniors in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, "notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks up from her knitting and gives him a once over before saying, "Nope."

Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?"

Bessie sighs, folds her knitting across her lap and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies with a cat-like grin, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Ya shoulda bought a "hat".
 
Brick layer turns up on site driving a brand new Rolls Royce.

The site foreman asks him if it is his “Sure is. I have a new one every year” replies the brick layer.
“How can you afford it – we don’t pay you any more than the other brickies on site” Asks the site foreman.
“Well I make bets with people as a bit of a side line” replies the brickie.
“Alright, make a bet with me” says the site foremen.
“Ok” replies the brickie “Let me see. I bet £10 that you get a hernia in your groin before lunchtime at 12.30 today” replies the brickie.
“I’ll have some of that!” replies the site foreman.

At 12.00 on the dot the brickie turns up at the site cabin. The site foreman comes out laughing and says “There you are. Nothing wrong with me”.
The brickie scratches his head and says “Ok, but I need a look”. So the site foreman drops his trousers and pants. “There you go, nothing” says the site foreman.
Well let me see if they’re level and puts his trowel under the site foreman’s balls. “Yep! You’re right. Nothing wrong there” and hands the site foreman £10.

The site foreman’s cock-a-hoop and says “Lost out there didn’t you lad!” The brickie replies “Not really. I bet everyone else on the site £50 each that I’d have your balls
on my trowel by dinner!”.
 
Calazviel said:
Husband: I bet you can’t say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time

Wife: You have the biggest penis out of all your friends
Click to expand...

Again, I posted this one a few days back.. I am glad to see they are worth repeating.

Lets see who pi

A young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says:

'SEX FROGS! ONLY $20 EACH! MONEY BACK GUARANTEE! COMES WITH COMPLETE INSTRUCTIONS'

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter "I'll take one".

The man packages the frog and says "Just follow the instructions". The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow its training.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens!

The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says "If you have a problems or questions, please call the pet store".

So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says "I'll be right over". Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The lady welcomes him in and says "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there".

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly at the frog and says "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time..."

Ls x
 
thought this was hilarious, I started crying with laughter. Please take a moment to read the whole thing.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

I wonder if I'll have to go along on many more shopping trips?
 
Freddy69foryou said:
thought this was hilarious, I started crying with laughter. Please take a moment to read the whole thing.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

I wonder if I'll have to go along on many more shopping trips?
Click to expand...
LMFAO! Well worth the read!
 
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairygodmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..."
 
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