Jokes

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to
the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar
and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks,
"What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10
which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,
and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.
You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.
You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,
"Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.Tears stream
down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a
terrible fight -then, nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
 
A blind guy sits down in a diner and says to the waiter, "I'm sorry, but I’m blind and I can't read the menu. So just bring me a dirty fork, I'll smell it, and order from there."

The waiter picks up a greasy fork, and hands it to the blind guy. The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, breathes deep, and says, "Ah...that's what I'll have...meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

The waiter can't believe it, and he goes and tells his wife, Joan, who's the cook.

The next day the blind guy walks in and the waiter says, "I'll get you a dirty fork."

He gets a dirty fork, hands it to the blind guy, the blind guy smells it, and says,"That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

The waiter thinks the blind guy is bullshitting with him, so the next day when the blind guy walks in, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, "Joan, rub this fork on your crotch." She does it, and then he goes out and hands it to the blind guy.

The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Are you kidding me? I didn't know Joan worked here!" :)
This is absolutely hilarious!
 
After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife Edith for his Young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi million dollar home. Since the man’s lawyers were a little better than his wife’s, he prevailed.
He gave Edith, his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.
On the 2nd day she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table. There by candlelight she put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and all the carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters. During this time they had to move out for a few days. They even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house. The Maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was… he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.
This Is What Kept Popping Into My Head While Reading This :D:D:D.

you-will-never-piss-me-off-more-than-ill-piss-30654168(1)(1).png
 
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses.
His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. “My friend isn’t breathing,” he shouts into the phone. “What should I do?”

“Relax,” the operator tells him. “I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s silence, and then a gunshot.

The guy gets back on the phone and says, “OK, now what?”
 
A farmer has 25 young hens and one old cock.
As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.

Old cock to Young cock:
"Welcome,we will work together towards productivity.

Young cock: What you mean?
As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.

Old cock : Young boy,there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some?

Young cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win
you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.

Young cock: OK. What kind of competition?

Old cock: 50 meters run...From here to that tree.
But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.

Young cock: No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.

Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the old cock to start off and when the old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the old cock's back in a matter of seconds. Suddenly,
Bang.....!
Before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who
Said,

"THIS IS THE FIFTH GAY CHICKEN I'VE BOUGHT THIS WEEK"
 
A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex. After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50.
 
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
 
One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"
 
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes it is, sister." "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."
 
THE MOST TOYS

CAPITALISM: He who dies with the most toys, wins.
HARI KRISHNA: He who plays with the most toys, wins.
JUDAISM: He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
CATHOLICISM: He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
ANGLICAN: They were our toys first.
GREEK ORTHODOX: No, they were OURS first.
BRANCH DAVIDIANS: He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
ATHEISM: There is no toy maker.
POLYTHEISM: There are many toy makers.
EVOLUTIONISM: The toys made themselves.
CHURCH OF CHRIST, SCIENTIST: We are the toys.
COMMUNISM: Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to the opposite of heaven if we catch you selling yours.
BAHA'I: All toys are just fine with us.
AMISH: Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
TAOISM: The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
MORMONISM: Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.
VOODOO: Let me borrow that doll for a second...
HEDONISM: Hang the rule book! Let's play!
7TH DAY ADVENTIST: He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
CHURCH OF CHRIST: He whose toys make music, loses.
BAPTIST: Once played, always played.
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: He who "places" the most toys door-to-door, wins.
PENTECOSTALISM He whose toys can talk, wins.
EXISTENTIALISM Toys are a figment of your imagination.
CONFUCIANISM: Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
NON-DENOMINATIONALISM: We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play.


Ls x
 
THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Ls x
 
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