Jokes

wh1skeySwagger said:
A middle aged couple is having sex for the first time, when out of nowhere the man, in the middle of giving her all he had, stops and freezes in position. "What are you doing?" asks the woman "I was almost there". The man remains frozen stiff not moving a muscle eyes looking up. "Hey I'm talking to you" the woman says as she starts to get agitated. The man still frozen not moving quietly says "I am buffering, it is something i saw on porn hub, there seems to be a lot of people doing this nowadays."
Click to expand...

You just gotta masturwait it out ! *shrugs*
 
A straight laced cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it’s a gay bar.

"What the heck." He says to himself. "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy. "What’s the name of your willy?"

The cowboy says. "Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

"The gay waiter says. "I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'"

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer. "Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks. "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies. "‘Cause it takes a licking and keeps on ticking."

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella’s on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says.....
"So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims. "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds. "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says. "I call mine CHEVY Like a Rock!" And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks. "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says. "Because it’s ‘STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
 
Freddy69foryou said:
A straight laced cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it’s a gay bar.

"What the heck." He says to himself. "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy. "What’s the name of your willy?"

The cowboy says. "Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

"The gay waiter says. "I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'"

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer. "Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks. "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies. "‘Cause it takes a licking and keeps on ticking."

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella’s on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says.....
"So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims. "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds. "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says. "I call mine CHEVY Like a Rock!" And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks. "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says. "Because it’s ‘STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
Click to expand...
PMSL!!! This is Hilarious!!!!
*cue back spasms*
 
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot". The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand? 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley'. We'll be there in no time. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.' How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, and have your way with me? The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. "How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'.......
 
Was walking past the mental hospital when i heard someone shouting 12 12 12 12.
I noticed a small gap in the fence so decided to stick my head in through the gap and take a look and saw a man sitting on a chair laughing and shouting 12 12 12 12.
A second man was standing inside the fence at the gap waving a stick and also laughing so i asked him what was up with the other man?
He poked me in the eye with the stick and told me to mind my own business.
The other man then shouts 13 13 13 13.
 
A bloke finally got his day in court against British Airways over his missing luggage..
He lost his case.
 
Took my dog to the vet as he has a bad turn in his eyes.
The vet lifted the dog up and looked straight in to his eyes
He confirmed that the dog had a bad turn in his eyes and said i must put him down now.
I said surely you wont put him down because he has a turn in his eyes.
Vet replied no i am putting him down because he is too heavy and i cant hold him any longer...
 
Had to go to the Dr as i get sick everytime i go near an airport.
Got my test results back today and the good news is its not a terminal illness.
 
My wife was fed up with me, so she packed my things and told me to get out. As I walked out she yelled, "And I hope you die a long, slow, and very painful death."

I replied, "wish you would make up your mind, So you want me to stay now?"
 
Two girls chatting about the night before.

One says, That guy I picked up in the club called me a slut when we were in bed!

What did you say to that??

I told him to get out, and take all his mates with him
 
News today that all the toilets in the new Surrey police headquarters have been stolen...

Police say they have nothing to go on.
 
Apparently it's no longer politically-correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Kiwi, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.
 
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park!"
 
Had an interview at PC World.
They hand me a top of the range laptop and said if you want the job you have to sell us this laptop.
So i took the laptop walked out of the shop and went home.
Next day they phone demanding i return the laptop.
I said ok £500 and its yours and that includes free delivery.
 
Had a fire evacuation training meeting this week. My boss asked “what steps would you take in the event of a fire?”





Apparently, fucking fast ones wasn’t the answer he was looking for!
 
I went to the doctors yesterday.
She said “I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating”

I said “Oh no! Why?!”

He said “Because I’m trying to examine you!”
 
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