Jokes

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"
 
A well dressed lady boarded a bus, her BMW was in for work. The only vacant seat was next to a homeless guy. She wrinkled her nose and sat down next to the old man. About 15 minutes into the journey, the homeless guy turns to her and says:"Excuse me lady, but can I smell your pussy"?
The woman wasn't sure she heard right.
"I'm sorry, but what did you say?"
"I said, can I smell your pussy?"
"No! You most certainly can not!"
"Oh. It must be your feet then."
 
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a
shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting
to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What the heck is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
“ No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount
animals."
The bartender grins and yells:
He's okay boys, He's one of us!
 
A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and
fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth
and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke
the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight,
let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"'Good", she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The end
 
I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired". His buddy says "Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do". A fellow about age 70, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit".

This is why I'll never marry. :D
I don't wanna loose it.

Ls x
 
A duck walks into a bar and says "Pint of lager, please".

The barman looks in shock and says "You're a duck!" and the duck says "I can see your eyes work!" and the Barman replies "And you can TALK!!" and the duck says "Ah I can see your ears are working as well!"

The barman says "I'm sorry, I don't mean to offend! I'm just fascinated! I want to know all about ya! What do you do?!" and the duck says "I'm a Plasterer, I'm just finished a job and I'm just here for a pint". The Barman, totally astonished says "Ya know where you'd be great!? I've the perfect job for ya!"

The duck says "Really?? Where! I'm always looking for my next job!"

The barman says "THE CIRCUS!!" To which the duck says "The circus?! The place with the big tent??" barman says "Yeah!"

And the duck responds "The place with the canvas in the middle of it?!" and again the barman says "YEAH!!"

The duck says "And the same place with all the scaffolding holding up the tent?!" The barman says "YES!!"

And the duck replies "WHAT THE HELL WOULD THE CIRCUS WANT WITH A PLASTERER!???"

LMAO :D :D :D
Ls x
 
Here’s an old one .

There this guy who owns an ape in a cage . One day the owner decided to open the cage he touches the ape and runs like hell . The ape starts chasing the owner . The owner is running thru the woods. The owner can hear the ape gaining on him and moving faster towards him . The owner is running fast as he can. He trips and falls and sees the ape coming closer. The owner puts his hands up over his face and screams noooooo !!! The ape reaches down and touches the owner on shoulder. You’re It

Lol
 
Lakeside said:
I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired". His buddy says "Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do". A fellow about age 70, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit".

This is why I'll never marry. :D
I don't wanna loose it.

Ls x
Click to expand...
Yup that would definitely do it.
 
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.

Tuesday, she was again greeted with "penis" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning for the rest of the week, "penis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough.

"That's enough," she sputtered. "I -- I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!"

On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know -- the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"
 
Freddy69foryou said:
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.

Tuesday, she was again greeted with "penis" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning for the rest of the week, "penis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough.

"That's enough," she sputtered. "I -- I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!"

On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know -- the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"
Click to expand...
PMSL!!!!! *cue the back spasms*
 
A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father, “Daddy, what are they doing?” The father says, “Making a puppy.” So they walk on and go home.

A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?”

The father replies, “Making a baby.”The little boy says, “Can you turn mommy over? I’d rather have a puppy.”
 
Guy walks into a bar the bartender asked what'll you have. The guy say a gun and tonic. The bartender puts an apple on the bar. The guy say hey I wanted a gun and tonic! The bartender tells him to try the apple so he takes a bite, wow it taste just like gin. The bartender tells him to turn it around so he does, wow it taste just like tonic. Another guy comes in and orders a rum and coke, same thing the bartender give him an apple and tells him to take a bite. Wow taste just like rum, he tells him to turn it around. Wow taste just like coke.. Another guy comes in and the first 2 guys are telling him you gotta try the apples, the bartender has apples that taste like anything you want. So he asks him if he has one that taste like pussy, bang he puts an apple on the bar the guy takes a bite and spits it out saying this apple taste like shit. Bartender looks at him and says "turn it around "
 
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A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired Marine coming toward him with nothing on but his uniform hat, his gun and his shoes. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'
The Marine says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ......

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, Marine.. '
'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist!!!!
 
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