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LillyK
Guest
Addicts... specifically meth and/or history of abusing women
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UnsaintedCali
Guest
I agree and relate to all of this. Literally. We are more alike than I thought.
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Thalassa
Guest
Selfishness. It runs across everything and cuts into everything. A selfish mindset is the antithesis of a relationship mindset. It's a me-me-me way of thinking.
A successful relationship hinges on giving. The giving should come unconditionally, not based on "how much did the other give". If there is too little being given to a partner, that means that person's love, heart, mind and soul is not being nurtured. As for the other side, receiving someone's love and attention should be seen with a grateful heart, not taken for granted.
Building a loving relationship is about the small details. Yes, the car window, the dishwasher, filling up the car gas, plugging their cellphone in to charge, giving a neck massage when they look exhausted, ordering take out because the partner who usually cooks is tired, giving them orgasms just because.
Selfishness kills relationships.
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Jinxy
Guest
So true.
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friendlystorm
Guest
I have to agree with you on this one. Addiction and abuse is no joke. Fortunately the only addictions in a partner I've had to deal with were social media lol...but emotional and psychological abuse can be just as devastating as physical abuse. And yes, guys get abused too, sadly (not attempting to minimize or detract from abuse of women in any way, that's simply horrible and next level.) But I've definitely been in abusive relationships in the past and it's no joke, caused trust issues and other damage that's taken a while to get over.
I'd also add that being completely self-absorbed and not willing to make any effort to be interested in what I'm passionate about is a deal breaker for me now. I get that people have different interests, and that's great, but I'll dive head long into showing interest and enthusiasm for whatever the person I'm interested in is passionate about and I think some reciprocation of that is so refreshing. To me it really shows a willingness to try new things and real investment in the relationship. It's even better when we overlap and have some solid mutual interests lol. Just be real, be interesting, and interested and I'm down to jive
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nessabbyxo
Guest
Hmmm I guess I would say how I remain positive and still have happiness within despite having my illnesses I face daily. To the outside I look normal but if someone could see the inside of how I feel then maybe people wouldn't be so quick to judge in general sense. Some know I'm a Christian and yet never lose my faith in God and still give my thanks for what I do have and some don't get how I can be like I am when I'm sick. I always try to find the good in the bad and that goes with anything in life. I can't control my illnesses, but I can control my happiness so why be mad and bitter at being sick? Will it cure me? No. So I choose to be happy because although that won't cure me either it definitely is a plus I want in my life and hope to be an inspiration to others and show that through struggles you can still be happy. We all have our struggles and bad days because we are human but the sun will rise and shine again and another day to have a good one. Most people would not know what to do with themselves because some have told me that so I guess I'm just someone who has this outlook on stuff that most would go crazy about.
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Thalassa
Guest
I build people up. I'm not into lies, gossip, fakes, people with agendas, and general people bullshit. I give second, third, fourth and more chances. I choose to love, uplift and light up people's lives.
There's enough hatred, negativity, selfishness in the world. Love is the antidote.
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Thalassa
Guest
Anyone have a question for me? Cause I'm boredand void of creativity
1. What gets you up in the morning?
2. When you've had enough of a situation, how do you deal with it?
3. When you're happy, what do you do? What's your behavior, your go-to activities and people?
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nessabbyxo
Guest
This is why you have such a beautiful soul. Be well beauty ☮♡
I only partially agree with this, because, I believe that you also need to be selfish as well. Without your own needs being met, no matter how much you give, you can't be fulfilled. There are times when being selfish is necessary...time to yourself, time away, or being completely pampered. A partner who is willing and able to provide for your selfish needs. Me, I need to be selfish now, I gave and gave, putting myself last, taking care of the little and big things, I didn't have time to be selfish, didn't have time for me. Without being selfish, you can't fully enjoy what your partner has to offer. It can't be a constant, as that's not a relationship, but, without selfishness to some extent, you will cease to be happy.
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UnsaintedCali
Guest
J
Jinxy
Guest
I don’t see taking time for yourself as being selfish tho. Unless ofcourse you are constantly doing it, with no regard for how your partner is feeling.
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Thalassa
Guest
What you have described is self-care, not selfishness. It has nothing to do with being selfish.
self·ish
/ˈselfiSH/
adjective
- (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.
Taking time for self-care does not mean being selfish. Self-care is the act of self-nurturing, taking breathers, doing things just for yourself.
Scenario:
You haven't seen your friends in a while. They've organized a get together. You already confirmed your presence. You want that girls/boys night out. Unexpectedly, your partner falls sick.
Your options:
A) Going out anyway because you feel entitled to it, you wanted to, you already told your friends so. It's a "fuck it, I want what I want and I'm gonna get it".
B) Cancelling and telling your friends you'll meet them next time, so you can take care of your partner. You figure when your partner is better, you can set up a new meetup, or if it will be a while, then you take yourself out to do something you wanted to do, even if by yourself.
Option A = Selfish. It is to the detriment of your partner.
Option B = Selfless and still planning on self-care.
As for the other person "providing for your selfish needs" : needs are needs. Why precede them with the word "selfish"? Selfishness hurts the other person, makes them feel used, unappreciated, taken for granted, leaves them feeling depleted, less than.
You mentioned being with a woman for 20 years and not breaking up despite the issues you mentioned, despite the lack of sex which you consider a deal breaker. If it were a dealbreaker *no matter what* then you would have ended it a long time ago. You loved her, as you said, and stayed together. Being selfish would have meant ending things to get sex, disproportionate hurt, not being considerate towards her, towards the responsibilities within your relationship.
What you did was be a person of integrity and assume the responsibilities of how to handle this properly. Now going for a relationship which is also sexually fulfilling is what you need and that isn't selfish. It's self-care.
P.S. Shit, I write too much...
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LillyK
Guest
1. Lately my kids because I sure as hell don't want to. They woke up about 7 this morning or earlier.
2. I just do it... and it's usually easier than I built it up in my mind to be. The thing is... the more you conquer your fears, the smaller fear looks to you moving forward. Things just aren't as scary.
3. When I'm happy I smile really big and don't worry that it may make my face look fat. I dance like a goofy mom of a teenage boy and delight in embarrassing him. I sing silly songs, sad songs, happy songs and everything in between. I love singing in the car!! I go outside regularly for fresh air and walks. I dont wait for friends to call me, I seek them out & let them know how important they are to me. I rally around my friends to encourage them and love torturing my best friend by getting her to run with me *evil laugh* I love game nights, having friends over for a casual dinner, movies in the living room with my kids & $20 worth of candy and snacks that we can't eat. I like waking up early for a morning run. I like big long hugs that let people know how loved they are. I know happy because I'm a regularly happy person. Oh and I also love to laugh
So... that was long ha ha
concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure
Definition interpretation, but to me...self care falls under the above. It is selfish, it's a moment that you are chiefly concerned with your own pleasure... but it is necessary. Because I saw it as selfish, I didn't do it, I gave.
In my mind, self care is selfish....but that selfishness is 100 percent necessary. Hence my saying there is a need to be selfish in a relationship. Different people don't have to have the same legal (interpretation) definition as me.
I'm just saying as a white privileged male I must be correct (quick copy this over to the make everyone hate you thread)
I would like to think it's my tendency to be 'a giver'. What does that mean exactly? To me it means if someone I'm close to needs something, I'll give it to them as long as it is within my means. You need a reference for a job, absolutely, consider it done. You need a place to crash for a few days while you and your significant other try to work things out, come on over (pre stay at home orders). Short on cash for a couple of weeks and you need a loan, I'll take care of you as long as you have a history of paying me back. If I loan a person money one time and they don't pay it back or make any effort, then I'm not loaning them money. Need me to listen to your problems, vent about work, then I'm all ears.
I also tend to be a giver in the bedroom. I strive to make sure my partner is pleased by focusing on what she likes, wants, and enjoys. Above all I want her to utterly relish what is done to her and help her achieve multiple orgasms. Does this mean I don't want to be pleased in the bedroom? Absolutely not! What tends to be misunderstood is me knowing she is enjoying what is being done to her/done with her is driving me crazy (in a good way). Also there are times when I know she wants to please me, so there is that as well.
Okay I've gone on way too long, time for me to head out!
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SubSoph
Guest
I may sound so rude saying this, but I would say responsibility. I have responsibilities to pursue in life, and if my partner does not hold up their end of responsibilities, then I feel it is unfair. In my last relationship I was the problem, I was not holding up my "end of the deal" very much which I've learned from. Whether its something big or small, communication is the best way to figure out where exactly we're each going wrong. This can also go with lack of communication, which is not very good either. If I had a partner, I would want them to be 100% honest and talk to me about certain things they feel. This could be hard for some which I get, but working through it is always a good thing to express exactly how we see things with the other person.
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Thalassa
Guest
Selfish has a negative connotation. Taking care of oneself is not negative. Having our needs and pteferences is not negative. It is our prerogative to care about what we want and to aim to satisfy that. That is what I'd tell you, but since as a white privileged male who must be correct, I will enthusiastically open the door for you and persuade you to leave the premises.
My wife did that on our first date... honestly. Something she learned in college.I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue
T
Thalassa
Guest
1. Lately my kids because I sure as hell don't want to. They woke up about 7 this morning or earlier.
2. I just do it... and it's usually easier than I built it up in my mind to be. The thing is... the more you conquer your fears, the smaller fear looks to you moving forward. Things just aren't as scary.
3. When I'm happy I smile really big and don't worry that it may make my face look fat. I dance like a goofy mom of a teenage boy and delight in embarrassing him. I sing silly songs, sad songs, happy songs and everything in between. I love singing in the car!! I go outside regularly for fresh air and walks. I dont wait for friends to call me, I seek them out & let them know how important they are to me. I rally around my friends to encourage them and love torturing my best friend by getting her to run with me *evil laugh* I love game nights, having friends over for a casual dinner, movies in the living room with my kids & $20 worth of candy and snacks that we can't eat. I like waking up early for a morning run. I like big long hugs that let people know how loved they are. I know happy because I'm a regularly happy person. Oh and I also love to laugh
That was long? Have you met my posts? lol.
Loved your answer to #3. You seem to be one of those who strive to make the world a better place.
