The power of touch is profound – whether it is an accidental glazing from a stranger, the strong kneading of a professional masseur, a gentle hold from someone close, a reassuring squeeze of the hand, an ‘I see you’ caress, an encouraging touch on the back, a quick kiss on the forehead or one that is slower, more tender and more anticipated. It can strengthen connections, heal, communicate, influence and soothe. When the touch is cold and brittle, it can also widen the distance between two people. If it came with gorgeous packaging and retail hype, we’d be lining up to do the deal. Fortunately, we don’t need to do any of that. Our skin is our largest organ and would measure about two metres if it was laid flat. Given that our bodies are precious real estate, for something to take up this much room, there must be a good reason for it. Yes it’s to stop infections and yes it’s to stop our important bits and pieces falling out but there is another reason. It is the pathway for touch – one of our most powerful and important functions. For long-term wellbeing, touch is as important as food and security. In one tender squeeze there are so many things that can be said. ‘You’ll be okay.’ ‘I’m proud of you.’ ‘Yeah, I’m worried about it too.’ ‘It’s scary isn’t it.’ ‘You’re freaking amazing.’ ‘Come on. Talk to me.’ ‘What’s happening with us?’ ‘I love you.’ When it’s from the right person in the right context, we rarely have to guess the words – the words become irrelevant anyway. Instantly we can feel closer, calmer and more understood. Touch is fundamental to the human experience. It is most likely no accident then, that the lack of connection, either emotional or physical is discussed in terms of touch – tactless, lost touch with, out of touch. Of course, touch can also hurt. With very good reason, we have made moves to protect ourselves and those we care about from the type of touch that can have catastrophic consequences. There are strong boundaries around the appropriate use of touch and this is a good thing – we need to feel safe. ‘Safe touch’ though, doesn’t have to mean ‘no touch’. In discouraging the wrong touch, we need to be careful not to make ourselves vulnerable to ‘touch hunger’, a phenomenon described by Dr Tiffany Field, Director of the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami. When we experience a lack of physical contact, fundamental human needs are left unmet, particularly around our relationships and our physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. Research has found clear cultural differences in interpersonal touch. In a widely cited study, psychologist Sidney Jourard observed friends chatting to each other in cafes across the world. Jourard found that in the space of an hour, people in Puerto Rico touched each other an average of 180 times. In Paris, it was 110 times. Jet over to Florida and the averaged dropped to twice an hour. In London the average was zero. There are plenty of good reasons not to touch every stranger we see – there’s touch hunger, and then there’s creepy – but when we hold back on too much, we miss out on too much. What do we need to know? The unspoken rules We need touch. We need the comfort, the connection the security and the powerful emotional and physical health benefits that come by being touched in safe and appropriate ways. An abundance of research has found that the benefits of touch don’t stop at the people we feel safe folding into. Less than one second of safe, interpersonal touch, such as a hand to the back or the shoulder can influence health and behaviour in remarkable ways. But how to do this safely. Not all touch is created equal. Research has found certain rules and ‘no-fly zones’ when it comes to interpersonal touch. We all have a zone of personal space that feels comfortable but the distance of that no-fly zone depends on culture and social norms, length of touch, context, relationship and where the touch is. According to research: The touch has to feel non-sexually harassing. This depends on the specific part of the body touched and on the specific characteristics of the person (gender, age and relationship with the touched person). Being touched on the face by a co-worker is considered the most inappropriate and harassing type of touch. It is not surprising then, that it is also a touch that sends the strongest messages in intimate relationships as well. A touch to the face in intimate relationships can be tender and communicate love and intimacy, or it can be aggressive and frightening and done to communicate control and dominance. Touch in the waist region is also inappropriate and harassing. A gentle tap on the shoulder is considered the least harassing. The many powers of touch Touch is such a powerful means of communication. It is the first language we learn and it is the first sense to develop. Done appropriately, it has a profound capacity to nurture our relationships and our overall well-being. Here are some things that it’s capable of. More nurturing touch, less violence Communication without words Reduces stress Brings people closer together Communicates compassion Nurtures growth and development A touch that lasts less than a second can influence behaviour To make it count, be mindful Tuning in to the touch isn’t always necessary – touch has been shown to have positive benefits even when the experience of being touched doesn’t register – but being mindful of the touch will boost the good that comes from it. Touch is a language, and listening can be profoundly connecting, healing and soothing. When you hug someone close to you, for example, slow it down. Feel the full experience of the touch. Feel the warmth of the skin or the electricity or tenderness that might not come from it. Rather than having it pass as a thing you do, let it be a thing you feel. With strangers touch can be more difficult. Opportunities will present themselves but there are plenty of social rules that stand guard. Handshaking is a form of touch which is socially acceptable with strangers and when it is done mindfully, it can allow for eye contact and a greater connection. When it’s appropriate and incidental, as opposed to creepy and forced, brief interpersonal touch can make a very real difference to an interaction. And finally … We all have an inbuilt need to be touched. When it is done respectfully and appropriately, touch is a vital part of the human experience. The touch doesn’t have to be intimate and it doesn’t have to be big to have an effect. A pat on the back, a rub on the shoulder, a handshake, a professional massage – all stimulate the reward centres in the brain. We feel happier, safer, more confident, more soothed and more connected. Over time, our own histories and experiences influence the way we see the world and the way we reach into it to fulfil our needs. Though we need to stay protected and be wary of unsafe touch, we also need to be careful not to rob ourselves of the nurturing, healing and connectedness that comes through basic human touch. Humans need humans. It has always been that way and it always will be. It is important to define what is right and what is acceptable and to have boundaries where necessary, and at the same time leave space for what will nourish our health, our relationships and our spirit.
Yes we all do from time to time ( I imagine, I'm unable to speak for others ) I would gladly share a cuddle, Mmmm cuddles
I enjoyed reading this piece; thanks for sharing. I am a firm believer of touch being the most powerful form of communication.
I remember going through a painful divorce at the age of 23. We were teenage sweethearts eaten up and spat out by life . I was so lost and in need of someone to just give me a hug. It came from a work colleague who had been through the same thing. At the time it gave me reassurance in humanity, The lady in question is now my wife.
I've said things on this forum I never believed I'd ever say so I will put this one down to 'just one of those'. I have issues getting really close to people. I know I yearn for it and I am often drawn to someone and feel temptation just like everyone else. As things get closer and the desire grows, I seem to reach a point where I start feeling suffocated and I just have to get out. Why, I have no idea and that's the truth. I choose to believe its just instinct saying, 'Nope, wrong again'. Lakeside xx
I had an horrendous experience a few years back, which i wont post but my partner who the time either didnt understand or want to understand what i went through became distant and selfishly self absorbed in her own life and that was a time i needed her the most. i was on the edge racked with guilt nightmares and unanswered questions. Needing that contact from her would have helped get me through but instead i had a door slamed in my face. She left me when i was so low i attempted to take my life but another tragic event was happening and i needed to pull out as my brother needed me to be well and strong i called 999. I woke up in the morning surrounded by my family i burst into tears and asked for help. I had untold councelling as refused it and was able to get through a bone marrow transplant for my brother. I got back with my ex but she was still not there for me. And when i had to do the second transplant i was informed it was a waste of time hes going to die any way. I left her and stayed with family as hated her so much i done the second and well died in process but great docs got me going again but afterwards i wished they never. When i was in recovery a friend came in with my brother and we talked for hours neither noticed my brother sneak away that contact we had in that recovery room and 2 visits over the next couple of days was my kick up the arse i needed. We went to see my brother day before we lost him and as i held his hand we told him we got engaged and wanted his blessing. The squeeze he gave and smile was like he had acheived the impossible and got me away from my ex. That contact was the most important to me as it got me to move forward. Which i did with my now wife and adopted children and own daughter. I still have nightmares about iraq and teary moments about my brother like now im in tears but im also at peace tgat if it wasn't for him i wouldnt be where i am now. I can still his hand squeezing mine. Ok ive lost it.
Is is due to past experience of being 'burnt' in a relationship? The phobia of being hurt badly again?
I have nightmares about over there too but for different reasons. My 6year older brother is in the army and on his 4th tour 'over there'. He was my guardian angel growing up. He was often my best and only friend too. We always have been probably as close as a brother and sister can be. The nightmares come from worry. Lakeside xx
I've never been that close that it hurt to leave. I might feel mellow for a day or two, but I seem to just move on and leave it behind. Ls x
Great read. Touch and it's effects are a double edged sword. As @Lakeside has said instinct kicks in. Guess that is why relationships take work. It's not a given. And the same sensation you feel the first night is never the same.
Im not military but work closely with them. I have the highest respect for the forces whether in air ground or sea. Iraq was a turning point in my life. Been back a couple of times since. the forces working in iraq are doing a tough job but they are getting there . Prayers are with him and you on a safe return. Ive ran out of tissues
When you think of the infentesimal amount of people who are actually compatible in this world of ours occupied by billions it’s amazing that anybody ever really finds their soul mate. I do choose to believe in fate lending a hand though Lakeside.
